Your worst hobby date?

[Kandi Apple]

I literally screamed when I read this!! 

I think you may beat me since I had to cut my tongue ring out of some guy's butt hair. 

OMG, I laughed my ass off when I read this!

That is a real rim job!

[gimehead]

Funny story.  I've always wondered about a first meeting in a public place, and how I would stand out.  You want to be different.  But not crazy different.

So I was in New Orleans and suppose to meet a lady at a bar. 

I said: "How will I know you?"  She answered: "I'm a blonde bombshell. How will I know you?"

I was in a joking mood -- New Orleans brings out my worst. So I said: "I am height-challenged. I'm a dwarf."

She said: "OK, whatever!"

Got to the bar, found the only blonde bombshell and said: "Hi!"

She said: "Fuck off, I'm waiting for a real man!"

[mj76]

My worst hobby date was my very first one. Luckily all the rest have been good. I get there on time and she texts me and she is running 10 minutes behind so I pull into the hotel's parking garage to wait. 10 minutes goes by and no text. After another 10 minutes she texts and she needs a few more minutes. This goes on for another 45 minutes. It's my first experience so by now I'm really nervous and contemplating leaving but I head in anyway. I get in the door and she starts nervously rambling about an issue with her babysitter and is basically killing the mood. She offers me a Redbull and Vodka to calm us both down. I take it cause at this point I really need it but I'm not sure that's that right drink to calm someone down. We drink our drinks while getting to know each other and she was telling me her whole life story and all kinds of weird shit that has happened to her. She then excuses herself to the restroom to get ready but she first hands me her laptop and pulls up a video of her sucking her husbands dick so that I can get comfortable. Not really what I wanted to watch, a porn would have been better. I'm thinking about bolting but too nervous so I continue to watch her video. I hear all kinds of sounds coming from the bathroom, it sounds like she is furiously chopping up onions in there and things are banging around. 20 minutes later she comes out looking pretty good so I'm thinking this might get better. She wants to give me a message first so I roll over and she starts giving me a dry back message that is really terrible. As she is messaging me her words are getting more and more slurred and she starts nodding off. I thought she was going to pass out on me at least 3 times. Then all of a sudden she apparently woke up and she starts getting all hyper. She flips me over, throws a condom on at lighting speed, hops on cowgirl and just starts jumping up and down on me. I come as quick as I can and get out of there as fast as I can. It was 3 months before I was brave enough to try someone else. I'm glad I decided to try again.

[gimehead]

Oh damn, MJ!

I'm about to go to bed. But first I read your story and the line: "She first hands me her laptop and pulls up a video of her sucking her husbands dick so that I can get comfortable."

First I'm laughing out loud. Then I think: "How can I get that image out of my head while I'm trying to sleep?" 

[rhood]

Not sure if this is appropriate on here but oh well.  One time at band camp..... no seriously.... I had an experience where the woman took an interest in her dog. I thought...ok..she is an animal person. No biggie. She proceeds to the fridge and pulls out some peanut butter and spreads it on her lady parts. " Thanks " I say" but I am not a fan of peanut butter".    " It's not for you" she says and the dog runs over and starts going to town .  "It's amazing" she tells me and " I should try putting some on my Johnson".  I declined .  I did watch out of curiosity because I figured I would never have a chance to see this live ever again...thankfully. I dressed as I watched and quietly excused myself and let the lovebirds have their moment. I also grabbed my donation. Services were not rendered.

[Guest]

[Jerimiah]

I have one......... So I'm between real estate transactions and  I am living in a temporary house until I closed on the new property. Well, one Saturday afternoon  I got the urge and called an ad from Westword for an outcall. Ya I know....... dumb. Anyhow, I  gave the gal my address and told her I would be working in the garage so just come on in like she belonged there. So I'm fucking around in the garage when she pulls up, I'm like yah she's here. Mind you there are BIG ASS numbers on the house and I'm in the garage... door open. She get's out of her car and walks across the street to my neighbors house who was also fiddling about in his garage, asking for me. Next thing I see is my neighbor pointing across the street to my house. At this point I'm thinking what the fuck do I do now. Needless to say I had to get creative with the neighbor to explain that one. Good thing he was stoned at the time and thought it was funny. No more outcalls for me.

[Guest]

Overall pretty lucky, mostly great experiences. One opened door with a baby and said first off "don't worry I put him in the other room" another time when she opened the door she looked like she had been up for a while and seemed pretty messed up. I had known her for a few years and asked if she was doing good. She got upset and said maybe best I leave. Kinda sad known her for quite a while and haven't talked since. 

[fork]

My worst hobby experience, or at least my most expensive one, was also my first one. This was around 1998, before these boards existed and before I knew anything.

I was on a business trip in Phoenix and I called some classified ad in a paper for an escort, and a hot girl came over. I was nervous out of my mind. The agreed-to donation was $180. She then tells me this is just a strip tease and I can't touch her. If I want sex it'll be an additional $300.

Me being a complete idiot, I agree and go downstairs to the ATM, leaving her alone in my hotel room with my laptop, clothes, etc. I'm surprised she didn't just walk off with $180 and a laptop, in hindsight, but she didn't.

I gave her $300 and she tells me that we can both get naked and I can jerk off. That's what she means by sex. I still can't touch her and she won't touch me. I'm already in for it $480 so we get naked and I start jerking off. She's more or less just staring at me with a grimace so this is not exactly a titillating encounter, and junior is not responding. After about 60 seconds of this she starts screaming at me for being a loser and treating her like a prostitute, and otherwise making enough noise that I was worried the hotel would be sending security. She walks out the door, still making a scene.

That was enough to make me wait a few years before ever trying again.

[gimehead]

I gave her $300 and she tells me that we can both get naked and I can jerk off. That's what she means by sex. I still can't touch her and she won't touch me. I'm already in for it $480 so we get naked and I start jerking off. She's more or less just staring at me with a grimace so this is not exactly a titillating encounter, and junior is not responding. After about 60 seconds of this she starts screaming at me for being a loser and treating her like a prostitute, and otherwise making enough noise that I was worried the hotel would be sending security. She walks out the door, still making a scene.

I know that b***ch. Same experience near the airport in Chicago. It was in a building that had "[Airport Name] Girls" on the front. Maybe you've seen it.

We negotiated and, before I knew it, I gave her all the cash in my wallet (luckily, no ATM there).

That was enough to get her to expose her tits, stand there, and watch me. It was not enough for touching.

When I was done, I held up my other hand and asked her to hold it.

She replied (in a shrill voice that I can still hear): "I SAID, NO TOUCHING!" and walked out. 

[fork]

She replied (in a shrill voice that I can still hear): "I SAID, NO TOUCHING!" and walked out. 

Hah! In all fairness, it probably is a legal requirement and they probably get police stings there, if it's a club. Still, some bitches know how to lead you on. So glad I've discovered how to find the real women.

[mtnman2000]

I was a met a lady who seemed very new at this.  Just before we took our clothes off, she told me took a roofie.  I kinda knew what that was at the time but I wasn't raping some lady so I left.

 

[cherrybomber]

 

Or the time the lady showed up 6 hours late at my hotel room (2 AM) with all of her belongings in two shopping bags?

Or the time she asked to use my bathroom and wouldn't come out for three (3) hours?

McKenzie from Denver. 

[fork]

I was a met a lady who seemed very new at this.  Just before we took our clothes off, she told me took a roofie.  I kinda knew what that was at the time but I wasn't raping some lady so I left.

 

That's pretty fucked up! You're quite a gentleman for leaving. I wonder if I would pass the test.

[gimehead]

McKenzie from Denver. 

You must be referring to this classic review. What a piece of literature! Oh, the horror!

https://www.theotherboard.com/reviews?_token=lwP3QMQkCzWvVlB8LIpUukib3RT9EGjkZcubY5cO&country_id=1&state_id=&name=McKenzie&reviewer_name=&phone=&provider_type=both&date_start=&date_end=&min_age=&max_age=&min_height_feet=&min_height_inches=&max_height_feet=&max_height_inches=&min_bust=&min_cup=0&max_bust=&max_cup=6&min_waist=&max_waist=&min_hip=&max_hip=&min_look_rating=&max_look_rating=&min_service_rating=&max_service_rating=&min_donation=&max_donation=&services=&session_description=

[Guest]

Wow. I am apparently super lucky with all these horror stories. Thanks everyone for the good laughs.

 

[pitbull]

Oohoohooh! I got a better one than my first reply, can't believe I forgot about this.  So this happened in Austin around New Years this year:

 

Got an outcall to a hotel in Round Rock (cop country, btw)and was to meet a guy who passed screening, in the hotel bar where I'd find him in a blue shirt and jeans. I arrive,.saunter up to the guy sitting at the bar eyeing me knowingly, and proceeded to have the most painfully awkward conversation EVER. He was a complete social nitwit and I was dreading the supposed happenings coming up. We head up to his room some time later,.only for him to tell me he don't know it was a paid service once we were up there. I excused myself to the bathroom before I was peacing the hell out. Once in the bathroom, I pulled out my phone and found a string of frantic texts from the number of the guy I was supposed to meet there, explaining that he had actually.ridden the elevator up with me and weirdo, but that I was with the WRONG MAN. I called bullshit and dialed the number, expecting to hear the weirdos phone ring...and It didn't. Some other guy answered

 FUCK. 

I was like OMGOMGOMG What is my life becoming?! This guy is f-ing weird! If you're still interested then I'm out of here so what's the room you're in?!

Fortunately,  he gave me the room number, I was able to bolt (leaving a very confused man who looked like Tony Shalhoub with no explanation on wtf just took place), and had my intended encounter 2 floors up. So...as crazy as this may sound...it turned out okay. Phew.

 

Excellent story. The poor guy probably thought, "Why in the hell is this gorgeous woman talking to me? And why does she want to go up to my room?" He thought it was his lucky day. 

[Barbi]

All of these stories are too funny, it is great...I havent laughed this hard in a very long time....

I would say my stories are rather boring in comparison because about the best one I have was when the brother of a 1970's teen rock idol was visiting Denver...I went to go see him and found out he had turned away about 10 girls before me but I could see why as he thought he should not have to pay for service just because his brother had been a member of the Partridge Family TV show many years before....I laughed hysterically all the way out of the front doors of the hotel....I mean I never saw the Partridge Family in prime time only reruns as it was a little before my time, so I was not interested in him or his brother...hinking back that it was actually kind of sad that he felt his only claim to fame was his brother's success several decades before that...I would think that would make for some very boring stories of the glory days in his life.....

So as you can see my story is rather mild compared to the others here but thank you for the great laugh.....

 

[Everhard]

I am just happy that none of these "worst hobby encounters" included a session with me.

[jj254-1]

I don't have a great "Worst", but I do have a strangest. 

 

So I set up an appointment with a fairly new provider. No reviews, but seen her ad a few times. She wants email. Ok, different, but whatever. (Detour- When did every one get scared of the phone? WTF?) 11 emails later, references provided, she decides to screen. Um...I gave you that info. She wants a pic. No thanks. She offers to send hers. Nah, this isn't AOL pic for pic in the late 90s, call me if we're booked. Something about that triggers her submission fetish and we're booked, and I'm getting pics. Nice bonus. 

She shows up a little late, and nervous as hell. Turns out I'm her first client. Cool, lets relax then and ease into this. I want to have fun, and that can't happen if she's just freaked out the whole time. Besides, I'm cool with a just go with the flow session, see what feels right. Maybe it's not the right job for her and it's better we politely go our separate ways? Maybe she digs the hook up side. We'll see. We talk a bit. She asks for a drink, I pour her a shot. We talk a bit more. Conversation is good. We even look at ToB together, and she wants to show me some of her friends on backpage who just post for the attention, they're never going to actually book. 

The whole time we're talking, she's helping her self to a few more drinks, as am I. I ask if she's ok with the drinking, she says she can handle more, so I let it go. Session starts and it's incredible. Just pure hot passion. God, I wish I could recapture that. Anyhow, it's over and she...crawls back into bed and goes to sleep. That's not normal, but probably for the best. Neither of us should have been in a car by then anyway. I get in bed, kill the lights, and sleep it off. 

Next morning, she's up before me, and she has a way to wake me up. Yes, it's exactly what you're thinking it is. Climbs on, round 2, and I'm awake with a smile. We talk some more, shower, have breakfast, and part ways for the day. We talk off and on, and she's still the only girl I've given my "real" number to. We stayed friends for a bit after. She didn't stay in the hobby very long, but I did go hang out with her at her incall. It was also a very interesting look at the other side of the hobby. 

Maybe she'll read this and call me. Who knows. She's hell of fun to talk to. 

[Guest]

A Backpage FBSM provider in Boulder... She told me as soon as I arrived that I needed to be quiet because her roommate did not know what she did and that he was home.  Went into her bedroom and she said the cat needed to stay, because he liked it.  She then proceeded to reproduce the same two stokes with her right hand for the massage, up my left arm and down my right leg (kind of like she was petting a cat) while she used her left hand to send texts to who knows who.  The cat remaining in the room was actually the best part as he was a nice kitty.  After 30 minutes of her stroking the cat, she had me flip.  Upon the flip, she played with the little fellow enough to get him to attention and then proceeded to hand me a tissue and told me that I needed to finish the job due to sanitary reasons... I am sure there are plenty of stories like this.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Riggo

[gimmyg]

On 8/31/2015 at 7:02 PM, Laplace said:

I have you all beat.  This may test the new board's limits on class and propriety, but the topic IS my horror story.

Several years ago I had a doubles session.  Took both ladies out to dinner first.  And its true:  in public, ladies always need company to visit the rest room.

So back at the hotel, the festivities start.  Lady 1 is down below, attending to junior, while lady 2 is enthusiastically enjoying a mustache ride. All of a sudden, my mouth is full of little bits of wadded up toilet paper.  

Before I reveal my solution to this dilemma, what is the proper hobby ettiquette for this indelicate situation?

Lol! This happened to me too. 

I stopped and she asks "what happened? "

Me: "Nothing. Give me a minute ( and I spit it out). Let's get back."

It's ok, it happens and if you are comfortable with the provider it doesn't matter. 

[denverspeculator]

I show up staring at this pretty blonde and I sit down on a chair and all of a sudden a black guy with a gun comes out of bathroom. Got pretty bad.  Sometimes I wonder why I keep doing this.

Edited December 29, 2015 by denverspeculator

[pitbull]

My first ever attempt at FBSM was a dismal failure. It was at an AMP (first time). When the massage appeared to be over, I kind of looked perplexed because I really did not even register that AMPs would NOT give out a hand job. She looked at me and motioned the universal hand gesture for hand job.  I nodded yes and she proceeded to attack the member as if it were a hated enemy.

She gripped hard with oil on her hands and jerked at warp speed. Yeah, she got me to cum, which was more an act of surrender on my part than anything pleasurable. Other than that, I have had good luck. But I rarely do FS -- six times in seven years. I prefer FBSM instead. 

[habib1]

https://theotherboard.com/users/109629

 

That is my worse date.  Lynn is a complete rip off.

[Guest]

The worst funny date. 15Min before the gentlemen was to arrive. I arrived for the two girl session dressed to the 9's. The other provider comes out of the shower puts on a towel. I asked her if she was going to get ready. She said No. She doesnt even brush her teeth. Wraps her hair in a bun without combing her hair. The client comes in as he seen booth of us before. She has lettuce, meat, a black speck on her tooth. At this point I'm like... MKk. She shits on him, begins to flirt. All the sudden she starts farting uncontrollably loud ripping one fart off after another, she starts laughing and accidentally spits the lettuce in his face. And her fart smelled like spoiled eggs. The session ended right there. The client was like, I think I'm sick. I tried to ask him with straight face, ummm could you not write a review since one of isn't so gassy? He looked me rolled his eyes, shaking head, walked out the door

[Kaduk]

1 hour ago, Nikki Holiday said:

The worst funny date. 15Min before the gentlemen was to arrive. I arrived for the two girl session dressed to the 9's. The other provider comes out of the shower puts on a towel. I asked her if she was going to get ready. She said No. She doesnt even brush her teeth. Wraps her hair in a bun without combing her hair. The client comes in as he seen booth of us before. She has lettuce, meat, a black speck on her tooth. At this point I'm like... MKk. She shits on him, begins to flirt. All the sudden she starts farting uncontrollably loud ripping one fart off after another, she starts laughing and accidentally spits the lettuce in his face. And her fart smelled like spoiled eggs. The session ended right there. The client was like, I think I'm sick. I tried to ask him with straight face, ummm could you not write a review since one of isn't so gassy? He looked me rolled his eyes, shaking head, walked out the door

??????????

[Keyser]

3 hours ago, Nikki Holiday said:

The worst funny date. 15Min before the gentlemen was to arrive. I arrived for the two girl session dressed to the 9's. The other provider comes out of the shower puts on a towel. I asked her if she was going to get ready. She said No. She doesnt even brush her teeth. Wraps her hair in a bun without combing her hair. The client comes in as he seen booth of us before. She has lettuce, meat, a black speck on her tooth. At this point I'm like... MKk. She shits on him, begins to flirt. All the sudden she starts farting uncontrollably loud ripping one fart off after another, she starts laughing and accidentally spits the lettuce in his face. And her fart smelled like spoiled eggs. The session ended right there. The client was like, I think I'm sick. I tried to ask him with straight face, ummm could you not write a review since one of isn't so gassy? He looked me rolled his eyes, shaking head, walked out the door

That's one hell of a GFE....or is this supposed to be the EWE (the ex-wife experience)?

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Keyser said:

That's one hell of a GFE....or is this supposed to be the EWE (the ex-wife experience)?

Lesson learned, never allow the client to pick the other provider you may not know. 

[MikeInCOSprings]

8 hours ago, habib1 said:

https://theotherboard.com/users/109629

 

That is my worse date.  Lynn is a complete rip off.

Damn.  I missed that review.  What a horrible experience.