How many times a year do you have sex with your significant other?

[Boardmember]

Riffing of Ms. Justina's post about the once a week "make the happiest couples..."

[crazyb]

When i was married I was lucky if it was 3 times a year.   Life is better now

[pitbull]

First 3 years - 7 times a week or more

Next 7 years - 2 times a week or more

Next 11 years - once every three months or so, and that leads me here, writing a note on a message board for an odd subculture. 

And yet, I love my wife just as much as the day we were married. I love the life we have created -- the family we have created. I hold out hope that she will come back to me, that she will regain her "mojo." She knows there is a big problem. We have cried about it, talked about it, but nothing changes. She loves everything about her life, but simply has no sex drive, or next to none. Meanwhile, the ladies fill in the gaps, very infrequently, but enough. Not ideal, but it works. 

[Guest]

What is this sex thing you speak of?

[Guest]

13 hours ago, pitbull said:

First 3 years - 7 times a week or more

Next 7 years - 2 times a week or more

Next 11 years - once every three months or so, and that leads me here, writing a note on a message board for an odd subculture. 

And yet, I love my wife just as much as the day we were married. I love the life we have created -- the family we have created. I hold out hope that she will come back to me, that she will regain her "mojo." She knows there is a big problem. We have cried about it, talked about it, but nothing changes. She loves everything about her life, but simply has no sex drive, or next to none. Meanwhile, the ladies fill in the gaps, very infrequently, but enough. Not ideal, but it works. 

Damn Brother! This is eerily similar to my story...

[gr8owl]

At present zero, and calling "significant" at this point is dubious.  That also answer why I am here?

[Scarlett Dayne]

I do not feel it is okay or acceptable to get married to a man you have sex with all the time only to cut him off completely.

Marriage is not supposed to be that way. Nothing will destroy your connection and closeness like withholding sex from your partner. Marriage is about saying Yes when you really just want to say No. You do it because you love that person, and want to ensure they are enjoying the marriage unity. Taking necessary steps to make someone happy will cause them to desire returning the favor back to you. Men are a lot more likely to do things around the house and participate more in the woman's life when the woman is trying to satisfy him sexually on a regular basis. Things run more smoothly when all parties are getting what they want. Marriage is not meant to be about selfish gain. Marriage is about complimenting each other with a continuous cycle of Giving and Receiving.

Sex in a relationship is HUGE for me!!

I honestly would not put up with that at all. I'm in a place in my life that is really happy and healthy. To think of marrying someone only to have a sexless marriage is the biggest turn off I can conjure up in my mind. Not into being with a person who continuously rejects me. If I was with someone that quit having sex with me I would divorce them. I am not into wasting years of my life with someone who does not want to be sexually intimate with me. Those people are called friends lol. I have enough friends lol.

Life In General: I am constantly perplexed at how many people will put up with unacceptable shit, remain dissatisfied and then bitch and moan about how terrible their lives have been without ever attempting to change their current situations. I did this for many years until I finally woke up realizing I wasn't living a life worth living. I have made some serious changes in my life over the last 6 years that have led to new found levels of Joy, Satisfaction and Peace. Simply Priceless!!

This is what I am most Thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday. "I am not where I should be, but thank God I am not where I used to be. I'm okay... I'm on my way." (Joyce Meyer)

Do something about it for Pete's sake lol! Yes it will be painful, and filled with LOADS of hard work. However it is worth every bit of effort!!

You wouldn't get cancer, decided not to treat it and then just say say "Well I guess this is my plight in life."

Look... Women know that once they are married you are basically trapped. Do what they want, or get a divorce where you lose half your stuff/money/dignity lol. They use that as leverage in getting exactly what they want... or don't want lol. We are a crafty gender LOL.

I apologize for being so harsh, but seriously think about this....

How Valuable Is Your Own Personal Joy, Satisfaction and Peace In Your Life?

It should be the most important thing you attempt to achieve on a daily basis. Everything else will fall perfectly into place when you are in a great place where you are Happy and Content with your own life.

Accept Nothing Less Than A Fabulous Life!

Edited November 25, 2015 by Scarlett Dayne

[Bit Banger]

Scarlett, sometimes that treatment for cancer is what causes the lack of sex, or even prevents it. And sometimes those treatments for sex drive lead to cancer. But there are far more elements to marriage than just sex. Yes, the lack of sex causes problems (I got VERY grumpy!), but if you're open minded there are other solutions (escorts) for keeping the marriage together, those other elements intact. 

[Scarlett Dayne]

If your wife were doing her part you would have No need to see escorts because you would be getting enough sex.

If you did Choose to see escorts anyway it would be out of a desire for variety NOT a desperate need for sex. 

I get a ton of sex as a single woman. Why would I enter into a marriage to get zero sex? I totally agree there are many, many facets to a marriage. Totally get that part, and love that part immensely!! However I could never imagine a relationship or marriage where there is no sex.

To quote you.... "I got VERY grumpy!" I do NOT want to be in a relationship with anyone that constantly makes me a grumpy person. I enjoy being around people who improve the quality of my life... not drain the very life out of it.

The way I look at things is this... You either add fuel to my fire, or you are sand/water trying to snuff it out. I Choose those people who heat up and fuel my fire lol. 

Marriage should not a death sentence. It should be a special bond where you and the other person share your ENTIRE lives with (Good, Bad or Indifferent), and that for me definitely INCLUDES lots and lots of naughty sex without a condom. (Thoughts drift to daydreams of having a boyfriend lol) Man do I MISS sex without a condom lol hee hee!!

Edited November 25, 2015 by Scarlett Dayne

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Scarlett Dayne said:

and that for me definitely INCLUDES lots and lots of naughty sex without a condom. (Thoughts drift to daydreams of having a boyfriend lol) Man do I MISS sex without a condom lol hee hee!!

Ladies and gentlemen, a late entry for post of the year.

[pitbull]

Scarlett's heartfelt posts are certainly true in many respects, and they are well written. However, as Bit said, marriage is much more than just sex. The well being of progeny must be considered. There is also the matter of history, so much history. Blithely declaring that you would get divorced in a practically sexless marriage is one thing to write on a message board and quite another to actually go through with, with its attendant heartbreak.  I simply can't fathom life without my wife. She is my love, she is an amazing mom, wonderful conversationalist, etc. She is still lovely, very much in shape physically. 

All that said, I guess there is a want/need to have one's cake and eat it too -- to have "enough" emotion-less sex to stay in the marriage and continue to HOPE that she will find her physical want for me again someday. I'm not proud of it,  but it keeps me going and no one gets hurt. Scarlett said that marriage is saying yes when you want to say "NO" at least some of the time. Yes indeed, and that's something that so many wives of men on this board don't understand. I have said it many times. IT is not ideal, and sometimes the mere thought that these ladies are out there keeps me going, even when I can't get out to see them. 

[sparkey600]

On Monday, November 23, 2015 6:33:38, pitbull said:

First 3 years - 7 times a week or more

Next 7 years - 2 times a week or more

Next 11 years - once every three months or so, and that leads me here, writing a note on a message board for an odd subculture.

And yet, I love my wife just as much as the day we were married. I love the life we have created -- the family we have created. I hold out hope that she will come back to me, that she will regain her "mojo." She knows there is a big problem. We have cried about it, talked about it, but nothing changes. She loves everything about her life, but simply has no sex drive, or next to none. Meanwhile, the ladies fill in the gaps, very infrequently, but enough. Not ideal, but it works.

I always knew you were a good man Pit. And you just proved it...... You have a lot of courage to post this, and I respect you for that fact.

Hoping things look up for you and your wife.

[Dank69]

I only can say, I was in a sexless marriage for over 7 years.  In addition to no sex, were the constant borage of cheating accusations. I couldn't hang anymore. I bailed after 7 years, for my own mental stability and happiness! Life is too short to be Un happy 

[Guest]

Medical complications led to -0- sex. Not much we can do about it. Hobbying lets me keep that from becoming an issue. In an ideal world I would have discussed that with her and come to an understanding. However she is pretty conservative and traditional when it comes to this stuff, so I feel it would have been too risky. I don't want to have the issue undermine what otherwise is a perfectly comfortable relationship. There are those who would disagree and call this hypocrisy. I prefer to believe that everyone's circumstances are personal and unique and what works best can't be generalized easily.   

[Bit Banger]

On this day of Thanksgiving, a day often spent with family, I am reminded that there are things worse than a sexless marriage. Finances were covered by pre-nuptial agreements; they were about even anyway. We had no progeny (mine are scattered on both coasts), but we had each others' back. We cared for and took care of each other. We shared life together.

Those who say, "No sex? Divorce!" have some living, and some dying to do. It gives one different perspectives. That's not intended as an insult; at nearly 7 decades I still strive for growth every day. 

On this day I'm thankful for the small joys & wonders of life, but miss sharing them with someone special.

[sparkey600]

10 hours ago, osomello said:

Medical complications led to -0- sex. Not much we can do about it. Hobbying lets me keep that from becoming an issue. In an ideal world I would have discussed that with her and come to an understanding. However she is pretty conservative and traditional when it comes to this stuff, so I feel it would have been too risky. I don't want to have the issue undermine what otherwise is a perfectly comfortable relationship. There are those who would disagree and call this hypocrisy. I prefer to believe that everyone's circumstances are personal and unique and what works best can't be generalized easily.   

You love your wife/SO, I get that 100% so do all of us on here.

The trip is when they, for whatever reason no longer can have relations with you, it may be time to take matters in your hands (so to speak) and seek relations other places. In my opinion, there is no double standard in this event. You present'd your self and were denied. Several times? Then it may be time to move on sexually. This is not saying you should not be in love with your SO, just get what you desire somewhere else.

[sparkey600]

On 11/25/2015, 7:31:07, pitbull said:

Scarlett's heartfelt posts are certainly true in many respects, and they are well written. However, as Bit said, marriage is much more than just sex. The well being of progeny must be considered. There is also the matter of history, so much history. Blithely declaring that you would get divorced in a practically sexless marriage is one thing to write on a message board and quite another to actually go through with, with its attendant heartbreak.  I simply can't fathom life without my wife. She is my love, she is an amazing mom, wonderful conversationalist, etc. She is still lovely, very much in shape physically. 

All that said, I guess there is a want/need to have one's cake and eat it too -- to have "enough" emotion-less sex to stay in the marriage and continue to HOPE that she will find her physical want for me again someday. I'm not proud of it,  but it keeps me going and no one gets hurt. Scarlett said that marriage is saying yes when you want to say "NO" at least some of the time. Yes indeed, and that's something that so many wives of men on this board don't understand. I have said it many times. IT is not ideal, and sometimes the mere thought that these ladies are out there keeps me going, even when I can't get out to see them. 

Scarlett is very young, I'm guessing and has not been through the "shit" like most of us and I'm guessing has never been married. As young people, we say a lot of things that seem "real" albeit with not so much experience in life. With experience comes wisdom which too many young people feel they have but are lacking.

As an older man, I say until you get married, have a couple kids, worry about them until you can't sleep, see them enter adulthood, worry about them until you can't sleep have a couple grand kids, worry about them until you can't sleep, you really don't know what life is about, so when your SO says she or he isn't interested about you any more in that way, your world seems to fall apart. Does this sound like any of you men or women on here?

Until you have the experience, you really don't know what life has in store for you. It's easy to think you have the answers when life is new and fresh, and young but what happens when you are 50ish and you are wondering where your life has gone?

 

[JoDoe27]

So I guess my question(s) for those in here saying they still love their significant others, but decide to participate in this world would be...

1.) Does your significant other know what you're doing? And I don't mean they turn some blind eye, but has a full knowledge and welcoming understanding. 

2.) How would you feel if by chance you found out your significant other participated in the hobby? There's this common thread of "my wife doesn't do X," but what if they just didn't do that with you and instead used escorts or even just random men to fulfill a need or desire no longer achievable within the marriage. Would you be ok with that?

3.) Do you pick ladies reminding you of your significant other?

Edited November 27, 2015 by JoDoe27

[Bit Banger]

9 hours ago, JoDoe27 said:

 

Started a new thread for this topic to avoid thread drift. 

Edited November 27, 2015 by Bit Banger

[mrvegas63]

11 hours ago, sparkey600 said:

Scarlett is very young, I'm guessing and has not been through the "shit" like most of us

 

Guess you never looked at one of her ads. Advertises as 41, so, not old, not young either.

[sparkey600]

13 hours ago, mrvegas63 said:

Guess you never looked at one of her ads. Advertises as 41, so, not old, not young either.

I stand by my previous comments.

With life comes EXPERIENCE.

And no, I'm guessing she has NOT been through the same SHIT that most of us on here has been through.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just saying.

 

[2Big]

What's a "significant other"?

[Scarlett Dayne]

On 11/26/2015, 10:27:33, sparkey600 said:

Scarlett is very young, I'm guessing and has not been through the "shit" like most of us and I'm guessing has never been married. As young people, we say a lot of things that seem "real" albeit with not so much experience in life. With experience comes wisdom which too many young people feel they have but are lacking.

As an older man, I say until you get married, have a couple kids, worry about them until you can't sleep, see them enter adulthood, worry about them until you can't sleep have a couple grand kids, worry about them until you can't sleep, you really don't know what life is about, so when your SO says she or he isn't interested about you any more in that way, your world seems to fall apart. Does this sound like any of you men or women on here?

Until you have the experience, you really don't know what life has in store for you. It's easy to think you have the answers when life is new and fresh, and young but what happens when you are 50ish and you are wondering where your life has gone?

 

LOL I'm 41 years old getting ready to turn 42. I am in no way "very young" lol. But... Thank You for your kind words anyway! Very Flattered!! ;-)

Trust me sir I have been through MANY, MANY things in life lol. I do know a thing or two. I am a very wise person, and those that know me would concur. 

I will say it again... There is no way "I" would continue on with a marriage if there was a disconnection like NO sex OR other serious issues taking place. People do NOT own you, and you are in no way forced to be with any person here on Earth. You are Free lol!

I am not into making someone's life better while mine goes down the toilet like many people often do with their joyless and problem filled marriages. They stay married, and continue to be EXTREMELY unhappy and unsatisfied. It's mind boggling to me!!

Why would someone let cancer (serious problems within the marriage) grow and spread (get out of control) throughout their whole body (life) without ever attempting to make anything better (solutions, compromise or divorce)?

I honestly don't know a single soul that would do that with actual cancer, but yet they will live a life that is basically worth absolutely nothing. They couldn't give that kind of life away to another person. Why? Because no healthy person would choose to live their life sick and infected (married to a spouse not doing their part in the marriage) all the time. At some point you will come to that fork in the road where you decide to keep putting up with the bullshit, or you bail ship to create a life worth living. 

Marriage is Wonderful... If BOTH parties are fully participating at all times.

Would you be friends with a person if they didn't treat you right? No. You'd stop being their friend, and would distance yourself from them immediately. How does the union of marriage somehow make others feel like they are a slave or prisoner to their spouse? If you aren't coming together on equal terms the scales will inevitably be off balance. When the scales are off balance you do NOT have a successful marriage.

PS... I am NOT in any way talking about men and women that can't have sex due to medical reasons. I am talking about normal women who use sex to lure a man into marriage only to stop having sex once they get all the kids they want. Why do you guys not listen to what I am telling you? I am a woman, and I know women extremely well. WE ARE A CRAFTY GENDER! Women will say and do anything to get a man to marry them. Just like a man will say and do anything to get a woman to have sex with them. Ulterior Motives LOL...

Edited November 30, 2015 by Scarlett Dayne

[mj76]

41 minutes ago, Scarlett Dayne said:

 

I honestly don't know a single soul that would do that with actual cancer, but yet they will live a life that is basically worth absolutely nothing. They couldn't give that kind of life away to another person. Why? Because no healthy person would choose to live their life sick and infected (married to a spouse not doing their part in the marriage) all the time. At some point you will come to that fork in the road where you decide to keep putting up with the bullshit, or you bail ship to create a life worth living. 

I voted 0-1 which is perfectly fine with me. I don't particularly care for the way my SO treats me so I don't want to be intimate with her anyways. I treasure being a father more then anything else so I won't bail until they are on their own. It would break my heart to only see them every other weekend so I stay and put up with her bullshit. I also no longer believe in love so that probably makes it easier to stay as well.

[sparkey600]

10 hours ago, Scarlett Dayne said:

LOL I'm 41 years old getting ready to turn 42. I am in no way "very young" lol. But... Thank You for your kind words anyway! Very Flattered!! ;-)

Trust me sir I have been through MANY, MANY things in life lol. I do know a thing or two. I am a very wise person, and those that know me would concur. 

I will say it again... There is no way "I" would continue on with a marriage if there was a disconnection like NO sex OR other serious issues taking place. People do NOT own you, and you are in no way forced to be with any person here on Earth. You are Free lol!

I am not into making someone's life better while mine goes down the toilet like many people often do with their joyless and problem filled marriages. They stay married, and continue to be EXTREMELY unhappy and unsatisfied. It's mind boggling to me!!

Why would someone let cancer (serious problems within the marriage) grow and spread (get out of control) throughout their whole body (life) without ever attempting to make anything better (solutions, compromise or divorce)?

I honestly don't know a single soul that would do that with actual cancer, but yet they will live a life that is basically worth absolutely nothing. They couldn't give that kind of life away to another person. Why? Because no healthy person would choose to live their life sick and infected (married to a spouse not doing their part in the marriage) all the time. At some point you will come to that fork in the road where you decide to keep putting up with the bullshit, or you bail ship to create a life worth living. 

Marriage is Wonderful... If BOTH parties are fully participating at all times.

Would you be friends with a person if they didn't treat you right? No. You'd stop being their friend, and would distance yourself from them immediately. How does the union of marriage somehow make others feel like they are a slave or prisoner to their spouse? If you aren't coming together on equal terms the scales will inevitably be off balance. When the scales are off balance you do NOT have a successful marriage.

PS... I am NOT in any way talking about men and women that can't have sex due to medical reasons. I am talking about normal women who use sex to lure a man into marriage only to stop having sex once they get all the kids they want. Why do you guys not listen to what I am telling you? I am a woman, and I know women extremely well. WE ARE A CRAFTY GENDER! Women will say and do anything to get a man to marry them. Just like a man will say and do anything to get a woman to have sex with them. Ulterior Motives LOL...

I understand and respect what you are saying. I get that 100% I was thinking more on the medical line of the problem. Sorry for the confusion. I ended a sexless marriage 10 years ago for similar reasons times 20 to the fourth power! lol

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your clarification as I'm sure many on here do as well!

BTW...No way you're about to turn 42! 

 

[Audrey Astor]

It's pretty easy to see both sides. I totally get what Sparkey, Bit, Pitbull and the other guys are saying. I get what Scarlett is saying as well. While it would be difficult for me to be in a sexless relationship, Sparkey is so right on with all of the real world tribulations that can interfere with "sex" in an otherwise stable marriage. Some of these things affect us in a profound way, and can end up bringing a couple as close as an intimate sexual way can. I suppose that is where us ladies come in, and can provide some intimacy. In the end, I think most of us want a companion that satisfies so many other areas of our lives. While it's easy to judge you guys, I am pretty sure that if I were in some of your shoes, I would seek out intimacy and sexual desires much the same way you do, and still love and enjoy my partner in companionship. We don't know how we will handle certain situations until we are the ones in them. 

It's kind of a touchy taboo subject even among us in the hobby.

 

[Bit Banger]

7 minutes ago, Audrey Astor said:

...  It's kind of a touchy taboo subject even among us in the hobby.

 

There are several subjects which become surprisingly touchy among us. 

[Scarlett Dayne]

2 hours ago, Bit Banger said:

There are several subjects which become surprisingly touchy among us. 

Ha Ha nothing is too taboo for me to talk about.

I am the kind of person that can have a conversation about anything at any time with any person.

This is a wonderful gift God gave me, and I appreciate it immensely even though I know it makes other uncomfortable to think and talk about touchy subjects. He gave me the gift to make others think about things they'd rather stuff under the rug. I am NOT trying to get anyone to get a divorce. I am just trying to get others to think... think about their "true" Happiness in Life. 

Here are my two reasons I believe that people choose to stay married under the circumstances listed above:

(1) They don't want to miss spending any amount of precious time with their children whom they so dearly love.

(2) They don't want to lose half their money, assets, investments and retirement that they have worked so hard to attain. They don't want to pay child support and/or alimony.

Hence the reason TONS of people get divorced once their kids grow up and leave home. The rest stay married so they don't lose half their money, assets, investments and retirement lol.

Greed, Selfishness and Resentment are a mother fucker that will strip your life of all that is Good. Not saying anyone is this way. Just throwing it out there. You can throw it right back lol.

 It all boils down to what's most important to... You... personally. Every person has different values and goals in life which cause us to make each of our decisions... right or wrong... good or bad... healthy or deadly.

I am not a mean or bad person. I am just a very deep thinker, and getting others to think too is something I enjoy and am good at doing. Creating a life worth living is the gift I extend to others. You get to create a life that you want and enjoy living. It will take a lot of hard work & time, but it is attainable. I know from personal experience, and years of practicing/putting Quantum Physics (which is also written in the Bible too lol) to use in my own life.

My life used to be so miserable, and I fell victim to everything. Now I am confident, joy-filled and empowered. I now operate from a place of Power (Love) not from a place of Force (Fear). Discover the difference, and you'll desire to move there too. 

13 hours ago, sparkey600 said:

I understand and respect what you are saying. I get that 100% I was thinking more on the medical line of the problem. Sorry for the confusion. I ended a sexless marriage 10 years ago for similar reasons times 20 to the fourth power! lol

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your clarification as I'm sure many on here do as well!

BTW...No way you're about to turn 42! 

 

Well you haven't seen my face either lol. You never know I could look like that landlord from Kingpin LOL hee hee. Silly ;-)

 

Edited December 1, 2015 by Scarlett Dayne

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Audrey Astor said:

It's pretty easy to see both sides. I totally get what Sparkey, Bit, Pitbull and the other guys are saying. I get what Scarlett is saying as well. While it would be difficult for me to be in a sexless relationship, Sparkey is so right on with all of the real world tribulations that can interfere with "sex" in an otherwise stable marriage. Some of these things affect us in a profound way, and can end up bringing a couple as close as an intimate sexual way can. I suppose that is where us ladies come in, and can provide some intimacy. In the end, I think most of us want a companion that satisfies so many other areas of our lives. While it's easy to judge you guys, I am pretty sure that if I were in some of your shoes, I would seek out intimacy and sexual desires much the same way you do, and still love and enjoy my partner in companionship. We don't know how we will handle certain situations until we are the ones in them. 

It's kind of a touchy taboo subject even among us in the hobby.

 

Thanks Audrey... Yes, it isn't a simple black or white answer.  There are a lot of variables that play into the "just run away because everything isn't perfect" equation.

I am an engineer in a black and white world and I still can't find the perfect solution.

@Scarlett, yes the giving up of 50% of everything does play a significant part, but it is not the only thing holding  me back.  I could move to South Dakota and happily live on my 50% but that is not all of it.

[sparkey600]

13 hours ago, Audrey Astor said:

It's pretty easy to see both sides. I totally get what Sparkey, Bit, Pitbull and the other guys are saying. I get what Scarlett is saying as well. While it would be difficult for me to be in a sexless relationship, Sparkey is so right on with all of the real world tribulations that can interfere with "sex" in an otherwise stable marriage. Some of these things affect us in a profound way, and can end up bringing a couple as close as an intimate sexual way can. I suppose that is where us ladies come in, and can provide some intimacy. In the end, I think most of us want a companion that satisfies so many other areas of our lives. While it's easy to judge you guys, I am pretty sure that if I were in some of your shoes, I would seek out intimacy and sexual desires much the same way you do, and still love and enjoy my partner in companionship. We don't know how we will handle certain situations until we are the ones in them. 

It's kind of a touchy taboo subject even among us in the hobby.

 

Very well said. Thank you.