Posted April 1, 2014 Reading a thread this morning (posted last December) about the wife or SO giving permission to hobby got me thinking about how I got started in this hobby. To begin with I don't have permission or at least not directly. Several years ago the wife started to complain about sex being painful and if we had sex more often there would be less pain, however "more often", never happened always another reason for not. So I became a hobbyist. Recently, every couple of weeks she says that we should start having sex again, but when I try to move beyond talk she finds other reasons, such as because you had and an enlarged prostate you can't or I (she) am working to hard. Had is the operative word the prostate issue, it is no longer a problem due to advances in medical practice and procedures. So I take her behavior as sort of tacit approval. Surely she can notice changes in my mood after I have been enjoying the hobby. Ladies can you give me insight on her thinking and behavior? PS I enjoy the hobby to much quit. hard to let go of a good thing 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) I know you made multiple references to replies from the distaff sector, but it's a forum... It doesn't sound like she's giving approval for anything other than that she wants to reinitiate a sexual relationship with you. However, as far as rationalizations go, I think this one just about takes the cake. Edited April 1, 2014 by MrReindeer Science! 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 1, 2014 For just about the first time ever, I disagree with Mr Reindeer. The OP's experience mirrors mine pretty closely.....albeit with an acknowledgement that there are medical reasons for pain on her part. I've got a roof on one of my outbuildings that's been going bad for a while. I feel guilty that I have not gone up there and repaired it. I keep telling the SO......one of these days I've got to get up there and fix it. But in the grand scheme of my life, fixing that damn roof is just not very high on the priority list. IMHO, the wife, and sex, is the same thing. There's some things that she could participate in, and she feels guilty for totally ignoring them, so she keeps acknowledging that she should. But in the grand scheme of her life, it's not very high on the priority list. And so it goes...... 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 1, 2014 Recently, every couple of weeks she says that we should start having sex again, but when I try to move beyond talk she finds other reasons, such as because you had and an enlarged prostate you can't or I (she) am working to hard. Had is the operative word the prostate issue, it is no longer a problem due to advances in medical practice and procedures. Sounds like she is trying to find out if you've already gone elsewhere. So I take her behavior as sort of tacit approval. Surely she can notice changes in my mood after I have been enjoying the hobby. Gawd, I *hate* to agree with Reindeer, but she has not given tacit approval. It could be argued that you have the right to hobby (if she indeed cut you off the way you claim), but that doesn't mean she has given approval in any way, shape, or form. Hobby all you want, justify it however you want, but don't claim that she approves unless she says so. That's just cowardly. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) Sounds like she is trying to find out if you've already gone elsewhere. Gawd, I *hate* to agree with Reindeer, but she has not given tacit approval. It could be argued that you have the right to hobby (if she indeed cut you off the way you claim), but that doesn't mean she has given approval in any way, shape, or form. Hobby all you want, justify it however you want, but don't claim that she approves unless she says so. That's just cowardly. Not trying to justify, well past that. Simply asking a question and making an observation. Edited April 1, 2014 by auldguy Left out part of comment. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 Sometimes there's no explanation that is exactly right. Have you tried going for it at the very moment that she mentions it? I mean obviously she is open to it at that moment. Or maybe just open up the conversation a bit more,at that moment, by asking her what she would like spicifically. Sex, passion,and intimacy are broad to women. Where as men think of it as one thing, straight up. Maybe she is thinking of some spicific activity, at those moments that she is mentioning it. Couples get so laxed or lazy with one another sometimes that it becomes difficult to communicate about sex and they get into a rut. Maybe they become afraid of the other's response(thinking it might be embarrasing or negative) or rejection. I personally find sex to be an easier conversation with a stranger because they are less judgmental and more open. Good luck. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 [quote=Velvet Valentine;370003 Have you tried going for it at the very moment that she mentions it? I mean obviously she is open to it at that moment. Or maybe just open up the conversation a bit more,at that moment, by asking her what she would like specifically. She brings the topic up in the evening when she has just told me she exhausted from work while texting about work. This morning it came up while she was working on her work website. When I said no problem, we should have sex, she went right into talking about website issues. Thus my confusion. Probably should have mentioned this in the first place. A month ago we got away to the Mountains - good opportunity - as soon as we finished dinner she informed me that she was exhausted and needed sleep. More confusion. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 She brings the topic up in the evening when she has just told me she exhausted from work while texting about work. This morning it came up while she was working on her work website. When I said no problem, we should have sex, she went right into talking about website issues.Thus my confusion. Probably should have mentioned this in the first place. A month ago we got away to the Mountains - good opportunity - as soon as we finished dinner she informed me that she was exhausted and needed sleep. More confusion. Two words: Date Night. This may come as a shock, but she may not necessarily want a XXX throw down 1st thing in the am while working on her website. Just because you're married, doesn't mean she doesn't still want to be seduced. Date Night 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 Two words: Date Night. This may come as a shock, but she may not necessarily want a XXX throw down 1st thing in the am while working on her website. Just because you're married, doesn't mean she doesn't still want to be seduced. Date Night Yeah, right. It's not as if we married guys haven't tried a date night (or 100). Brilliant. Never thought of that. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 Yeah, right. It's not as if we married guys haven't tried a date night (or 100). Brilliant. Never thought of that. Agree Pitbull. Have tried date night but since she sees her self having to work seven days a week with patients, the dates don't happen. Just as this behavior was starting we took a trip to Europe (one month) -great chance for multiple date nights, Paris, Venice etc lots of romantic spots no sex till the last night there, another trip to Europe a couple of years ago no sex till back in the states on overnight layover, again there for four weeks. Tried on a three night on a business trip to Reno last spring (evenings off and free time) got have sex but was told to finish as fast as I could. If nothing else this thread as helped me think through the situation and evaluate my efforts. I still can't figure out her thinking. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 I find that I daily make any number of bargains with "morality." Too many and too big and I get in trouble. I think I make better decisions whenever I reference my own sense of right and wrong, rather than trying to justify my behavior based upon what someone else thinks. 'What you think she's thinking about what you're doing' is a tenuous basis for living one's life. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 Damn, I thought this thread wuz about anal sex. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 And you know, sometimes we guys just have to be honest with ourselves. I was never very good looking to begin with, and I haven't aged well. I'm probably not very good in bed, either......for both skill and physical reasons. Not much I can do about those things. And, unlike the providers, she's got to put up with my shit every day. Hell, if I were her I probably shut me down, too. Doesn't mean I don't still want it or need it. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 And you know, sometimes we guys just have to be honest with ourselves. I was never very good looking to begin with, and I haven't aged well. I'm probably not very good in bed, either......for both skill and physical reasons. Not much I can do about those things. And, unlike the providers, she's got to put up with my shit every day. Hell, if I were her I probably shut me down, too. Doesn't mean I don't still want it or need it. I admire your honesty and your reality. Let's hope you have a great personality because in this line of work, that and hygiene and a couple of other things that pertain to each individual lady, make a very respectable and cool client. I will not lie and say that looks don't matter to me because they do, in my private life. Here in this world, it matters not if I am not attracted, as long as I make the experience great for you and you are gentle and respectful. We have a win, win. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 There is a radio talk show that on Wednesdays has a male/female hour. The 2nd hour of the show. As the host describes it, the most honest hour on all of radio. You can listen to today's show here. Here is his take on marriage and sex. Part 1, Part 2. The readers digest version. Except for very limited situations, it is the woman's and man's responsibility to offer their body's to their spouse. IMO, a must read/listen for the wives viewing this board. And a good idea for the husbands. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 (edited) There is a radio talk show that on Wednesdays has a male/female hour. The 2nd hour of the show. As the host describes it, the most honest hour on all of radio. [snip-Garbage] Here is his take on marriage and sex. [snip-More garbage, only stinkier] The readers digest version. Except for very limited situations, it is the woman's and man's responsibility to offer their body's to their spouse. IMO, a must read/listen for the wives viewing this board. And a good idea for the husbands. Hey frank, the Old Testament called: they want their Fundamentalism back. Edited April 2, 2014 by MrReindeer Science! And too many commas. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 2, 2014 To the OP: I'm not trying to be insulting, but it sounds like your marriage sucks. She doesn't sound interested in you at all. Is this how a lot of marriages eventually end up? It sounds miserable, and I would probably just leave. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 There is a radio talk show that on Wednesdays has a male/female hour. The 2nd hour of the show. As the host describes it, the most honest hour on all of radio. You can listen to today's show here. Here is his take on marriage and sex. Part 1, Part 2. The readers digest version. Except for very limited situations, it is the woman's and man's responsibility to offer their body's to their spouse. IMO, a must read/listen for the wives viewing this board. And a good idea for the husbands. I am looking elsewhere. Screw that garbage (or not...lol). Yet another good reason I am not a cult member and would rather think for myself. I suggest Mr. Prager go ask the tooth fairy what her take is on oral health instead of his dentist. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 To the OP: I'm not trying to be insulting, but it sounds like your marriage sucks. She doesn't sound interested in you at all. Is this how a lot of marriages eventually end up? It sounds miserable, and I would probably just leave. Leaving a marriage is a lot harder to do than that.. issues like splitting of property.. so a well planned retirement is destroyed.. THings like you might enjoy her family & Nieces & nephews.. walking away means leaving them too.. and nowhere is it written that you must be happy, thrilled or tickled pink to stay in a marriage.. Did you ever keep a pair of old shoes.. just because they still worked OK.? 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 To the OP: I'm not trying to be insulting, but it sounds like your marriage sucks. She doesn't sound interested in you at all. Is this how a lot of marriages eventually end up? It sounds miserable, and I would probably just leave. Ah, Mr. Rope. You would probably "just leave," so blithely you write this, and it shows you have never been married. To "just leave" is a complicated endeavor, far more than you could possibly imagine. Let's just say that you love the woman and have loads of history. Let's say the two of you have produced happy, healthy offspring. Let's say that she is interested in you in every way, except sexually. Not all marriages end up like that, but a whole lot do. Everything is great, except she has lost her mojo. It was not always like this, not by a long shot, but the past is done. I hold out hope that it will change, but until it does... I have no interest in breaking my woman's heart and breaking the hearts of my offspring. They love me, I love them. My woman is fascinating, interesting, intelligent, beautiful, but she has lost her groove, and that is the way it is. I have tried everything I could to change that, but it is not going to change. I have not even addressed the financial/legal aspects of divorce. No. I choose to do FBSM (and occasional other stuff) to satisfy the need for a woman's touch. As I have written many times on this board, it is not ideal, but it works. The same sad stories can be found over and over on this board. As to the idea of "tacit approval," I am under no illusion that I have tacit approval. It would be frowned on indeed, but fortunately the overwhelming majority of these ladies have no interest in ruining my life, and I have no interest in ruining theirs. And so you see, Rope, the option to "just leave" is not all that easy. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 I suppose when you're younger, at least relatively, it's harder to see a relationship like that as anything but unsatisfying. I might be lucky enough to forge a connection with someone that physical satisfaction is an after thought given enough time, but not likely. On the surface that sort of thing does seem sad, but after thinking about with enough depth, not so much. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 Hey frank, the Old Testament called: they want their Fundamentalism back. The hallmark of trolls is their "clever" one-liners, zinged with glee, never having read the article in question. Said article is a very practical, grounded presentation of an attitude that more women AND men should employ: "I can choose to be right, or I can choose to be happy". So many choose the former. It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 The hallmark of trolls is their "clever" one-liners, zinged with glee, never having read the article in question. Said article is a very practical, grounded presentation of an attitude that more women AND men should employ: "I can choose to be right, or I can choose to be happy". So many choose the former. It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high. First, the "clever" 1 liner, gleefully zinged(referring to the bold): But, what if being right is what makes me happy? You are certainly entitled to your opinion in re the posted article(s), but that's not what makes you a troll... Personally I think it's garbage that, if more enlightened fools adopted it, would lead to many more 1 sided passionless encounters between married people, all in the name of Judeo-Chrstian responsibility. No thanks. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 First, the "clever" 1 liner, gleefully zinged(referring to the bold): But, what if being right is what makes me happy? You are certainly entitled to your opinion in re the posted article(s), but that's not what makes you a troll... Personally I think it's garbage that, if more enlightened fools adopted it, would lead to many more 1 sided passionless encounters between married people, all in the name of Judeo-Chrstian responsibility. No thanks. I want to be where I am celebrated, NOT tolerated. I agree with the one sided passionless encounter. Sounds like some complaints I have heard over the years where the wife lays there thinking about redecorating. I guess she listened to that drivel. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 The difference between men and women is how we are instinctively hard-wired. Women- need a reason to have sex. Men don't. The SO feels guilty that she is not providing hubby his jollies. So she mentions it. When she is feeling guilty, jump on it. Don't let her back down, you know that she knows she is shirking her wifely duties. A guilty fuck is better then none. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 3, 2014 55% of marriages in Japan sexless. Sounds like America is the same but they are more honest about it. http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/04/02/japan-s-desperate-housewives-opting-for-adulterous-online-dating.html 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 4, 2014 blah, blah, blah, blah...... I knew I could count on you enlightening us with your vast knowledge on this subject. Thanks! 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 5, 2014 Ah, Mr. Rope. You would probably "just leave," so blithely you write this, and it shows you have never been married. To "just leave" is a complicated endeavor, far more than you could possibly imagine. Let's just say that you love the woman and have loads of history. Let's say the two of you have produced happy, healthy offspring. Let's say that she is interested in you in every way, except sexually. Not all marriages end up like that, but a whole lot do. Everything is great, except she has lost her mojo. It was not always like this, not by a long shot, but the past is done. I hold out hope that it will change, but until it does... I have no interest in breaking my woman's heart and breaking the hearts of my offspring. They love me, I love them. My woman is fascinating, interesting, intelligent, beautiful, but she has lost her groove, and that is the way it is. I have tried everything I could to change that, but it is not going to change. I have not even addressed the financial/legal aspects of divorce. No. I choose to do FBSM (and occasional other stuff) to satisfy the need for a woman's touch. As I have written many times on this board, it is not ideal, but it works. The same sad stories can be found over and over on this board. As to the idea of "tacit approval," I am under no illusion that I have tacit approval. It would be frowned on indeed, but fortunately the overwhelming majority of these ladies have no interest in ruining my life, and I have no interest in ruining theirs. And so you see, Rope, the option to "just leave" is not all that easy. This is indeed a very good answer. So it is worth repeating. The wonderful thing about the human race is its diversity, its ability to show compassion, and also-ill will. Compassion and empathy win every time in my grand scheme of things. 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted April 7, 2014 this is an issue that can cut both ways some guys SO has lost their desire for sex but for some of us we have lost our desire for our SO. Make no mistake we still love them want them to be happy and safe and enjoy doing other things with them but sexual attraction is no longer there. For me it took years of seeing a once very sexy woman who enjoyed not only being pleased but also pleasing me to someone who stopped caring about her appearance and being very selfish in bed to drive me away. Now as the years go by she has gained a lot of weight and her style of dressing is very matronly. I can't get excited about her. There are nights I reach out to touch her thinking I should make the effort but I just don't want to. I kiss her on the cheek, massage her shoulders but beyond that there just isn't any desire. It's sad but sexual attraction isn't ever lasting. I don't want an affair so the hobby seems like the way to get sexual gratification without emotional ties 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
