Thoughts from the Ladies

[Hoarce]

Longtime hobbyist, reviewer, and poster. I have been inactive for a couple of years. I have just broken away from a long term marriage and am now free to roam. I became a little jaded with one hour appointments, but still will try and play now and then.

Now to the issue. I am 66, free to roam, my business is doing good, and I am in good financial shape. I have known a 32 year old latina for 16 years. We have been friends. Not close, but friends. Her story is she married young, her husband got into trouble and was deported - can not and will not return. She was born here and went to good schools. [snip] She dated a cop, lived with him for a while, and they recently broke up.

I ran into her and bought her dinner. I told her I split up and was doing good. She let me know she had recently broken up, started a new job, but was struggling. She works hard but has to depend on her family to help [snip].

I can offer her stability for both her and [snip]. I really like her, have talked with [snip] on several occasions. Not only can I offer her stability, but I can help with [snip]. In a year or two, I can help her get into a good franchise where she can become financially independent.

I think it is worth exploring with her. I intend to meet up with the two of them for various activities - dinner, summer lake sports, movies. I may be fooling myself, but think that stability and caring about could make up for the age difference. What do you think.

Flamers - Fire away. Seen too much, read too much, don't really care what you think, will ignore.

[edits - this is not the place to discuss children, yours or anyone elses , even in the most innocent context. See the Board Rules]

Edited May 15, 2013 by The Oxymoron
kids

[inkspot]

I am not one of the ladies but I hope you do not mind if I offer an opinion.....

In these economic times, people are exploring situations they probably would not have considered a few years ago.

I really think this could be a mutually benefical arrangement. I did not read much into what are her thoughts of you two together?

My only concern IS the age difference. One of my coffee drinking buddies is in a similar situation. He is retired and wants to do the retired stuff people of his age do, travel, etc. She, on the other hand, wants to go out and do stuff he did 25 years ago. He is a stay at home retiree. She wants to continue to work and be a part of her network of workers & friends. Big gap there.

Their marriage works and have been together for a long time. He misses having her around during the day so they could do things together. He has provided the financial stability in their relationship. She provided the emotional support.

[snip]

I would not choose a situation like this but if it fits you and your lifestyle, then go for it.

You have been approved.

[edits - this is not the place to discuss children, yours or anyone elses , even in the most innocent context. See the Board Rules]

Edited May 15, 2013 by The Oxymoron
kids

[Guest Jake]

Hey Hoarce! Glad to see ya back. Honestly...wow...you're wayyyy overthinking and wayyyy overplaning. One date at a time...and see what happens.

[Guest]

One date at a time...and see what happens.

This.

[pitbull]

Getting involved -- sexually, emotionally, and financially -- sounds fine. The situation is shaping up well for both of you.

However, I would NOT get married to her. Marriage involves a major legal entanglement. When or if things go south, you don't want to be obligated for support, alimony, etc.

If you were to die and have a life insurance payout, you may have your own offspring that you wish to benefit. You may also wish to leave your estate to someone else besides this woman and her [snip]. You could probably arrange that by a will, but the entanglements of marriage run deep.

Be a "modern" couple. Don't get married. You can influence this small family in a positive manner and that is good for society in general. You can also have sex with a 32-year-old woman, and that is also nice. You can also hobby for that matter without the additional guilt of full-on marriage.

[edits - this is not the place to discuss children, yours or anyone elses , even in the most innocent context. See the Board Rules]

Edited May 15, 2013 by The Oxymoron
kids

[Bit Banger]

Horace, I can only echo Jake's "Glad to see ya back."

Also, as Jake said, one date at a time.

But I would caution you for two reasons:

1) You didn't say when your long term marriage ended, but all the advice I've received (both in past divorces and my current situation) is to NOT make any major decisions for at least a year, and not to expect any lasting relationships for 2-3 years. I divorce seminars (25yrs ago) they said to expect several short term (2-3mo) flings before somebody sticks.

2) As inkspot mentioned, the age difference is just an indication of other potential differences - different tastes in entertainment (books, movies, music, etc.), different interests in activities (travel, family, etc.), different attitudes (politics, morals, social issues, etc.). A situation with one working and the other retired creates its own problems, which I've seen from both sides of the fence.

It's not all bad. Every relationship has problems. And while the age gap brings a different (additional) set of problems to the table, it also brings it's own rewards and strengths.

I've seen it work; I've seen it fail.

So tread lightly, my friend.

[Hoarce]

Thanks for the kind words and friendly advise. I've thought of much of what has been said, but the confirmation and insight are very helpful.

One date at a time. I know. I've thought about it a lot. Only problem is a 66 year old asking a 32 year old for a date can appear creepy or scare someone off. I can only approach it honestly, so I'll have to lay some cards on the table sooner than later. I think I can pull this off.

Good advise on jumping into another relationship too soon. I'm in a unique position. I have been emotionally dead for 10 plus years, thus my trips to the Ladies (they were a great help during years that really sucked. I can't thank them enough). However, I'm in a really good place. I planned the separation to be as least damaging as possible. So far it has really worked out well. Complete emotional and dependency separation without much downside. Asking a 66 year old to wait a couple of years doesn't account for the timing. I'm available, she's available. The chances of things lining up again are slim.

I'm not retired, probably won't for some time. Even if I was able to sell my primary business, I have investment opportunities in some franchises which will keep me active. I am still active, enjoying racquet ball, biking, water skiing, windsurfing, etc. [snip]

If things work out, I will make sure she is financially taken care of. [snip]

I feel good about wanting to change her luck and her future. This is not patronizing as I think she deserves a lot more, just had some bad breaks that she's still trying to recover from. As someone said, it could be a mutually beneficial relationship.

The only awkward part is being seen with her in public. You can't go around explaining things that people would not understand or believe in the first place. So, if things were to work out, I'll just have to introduce her as a trophy wife trained by a marvelous tongue and let the jealous bastards think what they may:D

Edited May 16, 2013 by boink36
Forbidden topic removed.

[Bit Banger]

...

The only awkward part is being seen with her in public. You can't go around explaining things that people would not understand or believe in the first place. So, if things were to work out, I'll just have to introduce her as a trophy wife trained ...

That's all in your head. You don't owe "the public" any explanation!

Those who know you and matter, they'll understand.

[Audrey Astor]

I think you have been offered some good advice Horace. For some people age is just a number, and they get along with and develop relationships based personality, interests etc, as opposed to age.

Congrats on your independence, and making wise choices so that you can enjoy it.

I guess my question to you would be, what do you expect out of this? Do you just expect physical intimacy like you would get with an ASP, would you expect nothing, would you expect a friendship? If she can provide what you expect, done deal. Sometimes the issue comes in when one is thinking that they do XYZ for someone, and they are not returning the favor. Just make sure you are on the same page, and she feels the same about you as you do about her (whatever that looks like).

[Guest]

Aloha my Dear

I'm not sure if you are talking about the same YL we discussed, yet, if so, congratulations.

Everyone above has offered some great advice and I concur , take it slow. You have nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table, or show a hand or two;).

From my own personal experience, YOU are a Wonderful person and a Generous Heart to go with it. Continue to be yourself, offer the strong backbone of support and just be yourself, as you Do have something to offer.

The activities you mentioned, summer outings, etc, is a great opportunity for you to shine, as I know you will.

I wish you all the best :)and hope all works out for you

Aloha 'oe

Heidi the Housewife

[Hoarce]

Thanks for the support. Your other post said you develop relationships through your personality. I though "O Holy Shit am I SCREWED. I'll end up with Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies"

[Bit Banger]

..."O Holy Shit am I SCREWED. I'll end up with Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies"

Nothing wrong with Granny. Just take liberal doses of 'the recipe'

[EveSupreme]

I agree with Pitbull about not getting married. If the chemistry is there, why not consider a sugardaddy arrangement? I just left one such three-year relationship, and when it was good, it was really good.

The truth is that the age difference does pose real problems; while not insurmountable, these problems are significant, and can often contribute to the demise of the relationship. A sugardaddy arrangement allows all parties to be realistic about the limitations and expectations involved, while ensuring that things are mutually beneficial. If you're looking for "forever," that might not be the way to go, but be honest with yourself about whether or not "forever" is ever really the best option.

[Bigguy]

The age difference may not even be that big a deal now since you are healthy and apparently active. 20 years down the road when you are 86 and she is 52 it will probably be another story. Just my 2 cents about another reason to not get married, but just play it as it goes.

[Happymon]

FWIW, I think age is going to be the least of your issues. Sounds like you're thinking of making an offer, sort of lets make a deal, rather than thinking about a relationship. You've already got the quid pro quo outlined in your head and her future figured out. Some gals might react by running lickity split away from that with some terror. Some may find it seductive. Maybe that works for her but the quid and the pro quo are the rub's over time. It's been pointed out to me (so I am prone to seeing it in others) that the deal making approach to a relationship is the emotional equivalent of taking a hostage and that it frequently ends badly. Also, the emphasis you place on security, finances and predictability may look to some like your insecurity and not compelling. If you want a relationship, go for it but don't confuse it with making a deal. If you want a deal, don't confuse it with a relationship. Just sayin'. Good luck.

[Bit Banger]

Great thoughts, Happymon. An angle I hadn't considered, but both relevant and accurate. My daughter made such a deal, not explicitly but w/in her own head. When "security" got hit by 'the world', things went quickly south for her. After the dust settled, she admitted that SHE had made a mistake.

[pizzaman]

Many years ago I remember my mother discussing some friend of hers who was trying to chase down a sweet young thing and her comment was "there is no fool like an old fool". The point here is you have it all figured out, just like any other business deal you might enter into. Why wouldn't she see the advantages of entering into this venture? The fact is you are old enough to be her grandfather and unless she has some special attraction to geezers, you are out of the game from the stand point of being attractive to her. Now the business deal might over ride her lack of attraction, but my experience here is that there needs to be very large sums involved, and even then, things break down. You've "been there & done that" and she is still growing as a person and looking for the life you have already lived. Good luck H. The first step is asking her out, my bet is you aren't going to get past first base on this and if you do, you will regret it later.

[dangle]

Many years ago I remember my mother discussing some friend of hers who was trying to chase down a sweet young thing and her comment was "there is no fool like an old fool".

And my mama once told me that "a fool and his money are soon parted."

[Guest ezduzit]

My humble opinion...

Take it one day at a time.

Don't get married again to someone with that much age difference.

Screw what the public thinks ... you are both free to make your own decisions.

Assume that she'll be reacting to and looking for a need for security, and thus that any relationship has a high probability of being only temporary.

Enjoy it while you can and be prepared to move on when she gets bored.

[urfan]

bottom line is money doesn't = love