Jokes

[Nusa]

There once was a girl named Sue.

One day she filled her vagina with glue.

When asked about it she said, "They paid to get in and the'll pay to get out, too."

Your eyes are blue.

Your lips are red.

It would be awesome if you gave me some head.

So, what do you say? Don't you want to be awesome?

Monogamy and Matrimony are the causes of Divorce and Alimony

Ok, I'm done. Do you have any others?

[Guest hgritstoo]

There was a young lady named Sue

who had on her ass a tattoo.

It was of a small bird

and the colors.....my word!

When she farted it practically flew!

[pfunk]

Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday, Anne says, "Here's the thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold". "Funny you should say that, my Franks balls are always cold too." Says Mary. "EEAUUWWWWWWWGHHHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that"? So her friends tell Nancy that a BJ is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday, Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive. In walks Nancy with a black eye. "What happened to you"? asked her two friends. "Mike hit me" came the reply. "Why"? asked the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy. "I was giving him the BJ like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's."

[itieyou]

A provider was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac.

Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,

"Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

[itieyou]

http://www.explosm.net/comics/2781/

[Guest]

There was an old lady who lay

With her legs wide apart in the hay,

Then, calling the ploughman,

She said, "Do it now, man!

Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."

A clever young man named Eugene

Invented a jack-off machine.

On the twenty-third stroke

The fuckin' thing broke

And beat both his balls to a cream.

[Guest hgritstoo]

There was a young lady named Alice

Who used dynamite as a phallus.

They found her Vagina

In North Carolina

And parts of her anus in Dallas.

[Wendy Whitney]

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

[Guest hgritstoo]

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Hey.....

we're getting all poetic and stuff....and all you want to do is talk shop!

[urfan]

and now for something more homespun:

There once was a hottie named Lee

Who solicited herself on EB

Her Droid got so fried

With requests for a ride

That she barely had time for a Wii

[TheMouth]

There's a bar in Denver that's staffed

with a bramaid who's tops at her craft

in order to please

she serves ale on her knees

and gives patrons head with their draft

[Wendy Whitney]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.

"What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion.";)

[FatDog]

What if girls had apostrophes instead of periods?

Then they'd be even more possessive and prone to contractions.

:D:D

[Nightrain]

What is it that men spend the first 9 months of their lives trying to get out of, and, once out, the rest of their lives trying to get back in?

[Nusa]

What is it that men spend the first 9 months of their lives trying to get out of, and, once out, the rest of their lives trying to get back in?

Pussy

[Nightrain]

Young lady, first time at gynecologist, says, "Doctor, is this exam going to hurt me?"

Doc: "Yes, it'll sting a little. Would you like for me to numb it?"

YL: "Yes, that'd be great"

Doc, takes a deep breath, leans over and puts mouth on YL's nether region and says, "numb, numb, numb, numb. Is that Better?"

[TinaDavis]

One day little Johnny needed to use the bathroom really bad, so he rushed on in. At the same time his mom was getting out of the shower, and he looked down to see her hairy bush. Little Johnny pointed and asked "What is that?"

The mom thought for a second and replied "That's my ummmmm, black sponge." Johnny was satisfied with this answer, used the bathroom, and left.

The next day the mother was washing the dishes when little Johnny came running up to her, "Mommy mommy can I see your black sponge again?"

Thrown off by this the mother replied "Ummmm no, I lost it just a little while ago." Little Johnny was again satisfied with this answer and went out to play.

About an hour later little Johnny came running back into the house screaming, "Mommy mommy, I found your black sponge!"

The mother was shocked and replied, " Really... where?"

Little Johnny pointed outside and said, "Mrs. Johnson the next door neighbor lady is cleaning Daddy's face with it!"

[Guest]

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary on the following reasons:

•I do physical labour. •I work at great depths. •I work in high temperatures. ... •I work in a damp environment. •I plunge headfirst into everything I do. •I do not get weekends or public holidays off. •My work exposes me to contagious diseases. •I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

Sincerely,

...

P. Niss

The

Response

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request under the following reasons:

•You are unable to work double shifts. •You do not work 8 hours straight. •You will retire well before you are 65. •You fall asleep after brief work periods. •You do not always follow the orders of the management team. •You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. •You do not take initiative -you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. •You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. •You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as; wearing the required protective clothing. •You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed an assigned task. •And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious -looking bags.

[Songdog57]

For what it's worth:

A guy walks into a neighborhood bar carrying an octopus and bets a hundred dollars that the octopus can play any musical instrument the patrons can produce.

One man produces a harmonica, and the octopus takes a deep breath and plays a beautiful melody. Another man has a guitar, and again the octopus proves his ability by playing some riffs that would make Hendricks proud. And so it goes, and none of the customers succeed in producing an instrument the octopus hasn’t mastered.

Finally, a rather tipsy Irishman leaning on the bar smiles to himself and exits the establishment. A couple of minutes pass and the Irishman comes back in carrying bagpipes and hands them to the octopus. The octopus appears confused and turns the bagpipes over and over, examining them from every possible angle. At length the Irishman speaks up and says, “ Aye, the slimy bugger can nay play the bagpipes!” To which the octopus replies, “Play it my ass! I’m gonna fuck it if I can get its pajamas off!”

[Krokus]

why are turds tapered?,,,, so your asshole does not slam shut