Posted September 17, 2013 A balding, white haired man from Punta Gorda, Florida walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled,and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’ On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my great weekend!’ 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 18, 2013 Excellent. And now a quick joke that your friends will remember forever... A termite walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, where is the bar tender?" [insert rim shot and cymbal crash here] 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 18, 2013 Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started.... ============== My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... =========== 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 18, 2013 It's still early but I nominate "great weekend" and "bar tender" for best jokes of the year. Oh, duck walks into a bar and says, "Round for the house, and put it on my bill". 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 18, 2013 Thanks, Jez. Very nice. One evening in the great plains at an old farm house, a ufo lands in the yard. A very human appearing and attractive young couple exit from the space craft and knock on the farm house door. When the farmer answers the alien man announces "greetings, earth man. We have come to your world to learn of your people. May we come in?" Immediately taken by the alien woman's looks the farmer invites them in, introduces them to his wife and explains to her their mission. The farmers wife reluctantly asks "so ... how can we help you?" Alien man answers "We have found the best way to quickly and truly get to know other peoples and cultures is to exchange wives for the night .... and have sex." Farmers wife, while finding the alien man much to her liking pretends reluctance "oh my! I'm not sure .... honey do you ....?" Instantly the farmer, now horny as can be says "Absolutely! Come on dear, it is practically our duty!" Off the couples go for the night to their separate rooms. Moving ahead to the action: Farmers wife (FW), laughing: "Oh, my ....." Alien man (AM) : "what is wrong? Am I doing something wrong?" FW: "No, no .... its just, well ..... so small!" AM: "Oh, I should have told you. I guess we are different in that ours adjust. Here twist my left ear" FW complies and with each turn the alien's dick grows an inch longer. He asks, "So how is that?" Finding him now quite perfect in length but pencil thin, she laughs again and says "but it is so, well ... skinny!" AM: "No, problem, here twist my right ear" Sure enough, his girth grew with every turn. Next morning an exhausted farmer finding the guests have left enters the kitchen and sees his wife making his breakfast, all the while humming and whistling a happy tune. Farmer (F): "I see they are gone. How are you today?" FW: "Wonderful! What a beautiful day, don't you think?" F: "Really? So how was your night?" FW: "It was fabulous ......er, I mean, well .... it was ok, dear. How was yours?" F: "Horrible. Just horrible. I mean it started out ok. I tried to go slow and all and she seemed very willing. Then with no warning she just went crazy" FW: "Crazy? Whatever do you mean?" F: "I don't know. She just attacked me! At one point I thought she was going to twist my damn ears complete off!" 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Posted September 18, 2013 Duck walks in to Walgreen's and says, "Gimme a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill." 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
