jaxon71

When your wife is cheating?

105 posts in this topic

Ok, so I haven’t been the most faithful man in the world, but I have always made sure that my wife and kids were taken care of on a physical and an emotional level. Hobbying has just been a release for me from the stresses of every day life. 1/2 and hour here, an hour there.....So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

Edited by jaxon71
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Sorry man.  I've never considered seeing a escort cheating (emotionallyor physically) . If she's emotionally cheating I'd say try marriage counseling.

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2 hours ago, jaxon71 said:

Ok, so I haven’t been the most faithful man in the world, but I have always made sure that my wife and kids were taken care of on a physical and an emotional level. Hobbying has just been a release for me from the stresses of every day life. 1/2 and hour here, an hour there.....So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

Work on communication skills between the two of you and truly share with her how much you love her! 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/focus-forgiveness/201105/the-hawaiian-secret-forgiveness

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Men and women cheat for different reasons. If your wife is having an emotional affair. Man, I'm sorry! Hopefully she hasn't turned off the switch for you. In my experience. That means they have moved on......

Counseling!!!! I do wish you best of luck salvaging your relationship. As it really sucks being in this position!

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1 hour ago, Copper-pipee said:

Sorry man.  I've never considered seeing a escort cheating (emotionallyor physically) . If she's emotionally cheating I'd say try marriage counseling.

Huh????? I wanna live on that planet!

If your wife or S.O. gives you the green light to bang other ladies and or providers. Then yea, it's not cheating. If they have no knowledge. Pretty certain they may have an opposing opinion....….

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Emotional is a tuff nut to crack.  Sounds like you still love her. Try everything you can try to reverse things.  If it has gone on too long, it would be like trying to separate  salt from sugar. You mentioned kids. If they are under 18, you do everything right to get custody.  You both made mistakes. You however take a ride once in a while. She wants to own  the park. Big difference. If it all ends, do what ever you want, as long as you don't get yourself in trouble. He knew the risks. Let him find out, if the juice is worth the squeeze. 

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6 hours ago, Hunter VanDyke said:

My thoughts are what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Unless you two have previously discussed and agreed that it's okay for you to see escorts on the side, it is in fact cheating on your wife. She is not meeting certain needs, and you are getting those needs met elsewhere. You are also not meeting certain needs, so she is getting those needs met elsewhere. Maybe consider an open marriage, or coming clean about what you're doing, and what you know she is doing, and see if the marriage can be saved, if she even wants that. 

On a side note...Burning peoples worlds down, stalkerish, harrassing, outing, behavior never ends well, can be devastating to innocent people, and only reflects poorly on the person doing it. 

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10 hours ago, jaxon71 said:

Ok, so I haven’t been the most faithful man in the world, but I have always made sure that my wife and kids were taken care of on a physical and an emotional level. Hobbying has just been a release for me from the stresses of every day life. 1/2 and hour here, an hour there.....So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

This is a good reason to start in with some reversed physiology. 

Be happy for your wife and her sancho. Let it put a new pep in your step.

Start doing things that make you happy and include the kids. Put her on the back burner and she will realize how much she is missing out on. 

Lustful love dies and most affairs only are good for a brief time. 

Keep your head up because the life we live is short. It is easy for anyone to get emotionally overwhelmed by a affair.  

Stay positive and strive on!

 

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Cheating becomes cheating once you let go of the heart connection. When you work on communicating why the two of you loved each other and getting back to the initial spark of love amazing issues can become resolved.Ho’oponopono -the Hawian mantra

 

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11 hours ago, jaxon71 said:

So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

Something to remember here, You are seeing ladies on the side and while you may think you are meeting her emotional needs, that may be just the opposite.

Saying you know everything there is to know about the other guy and that you could burn down his world, remember that your wife is just a complicit as he is and you are complicit as well.  Burning down his world is a childish reactionary act and will accomplish nothing except  to ruin his life and more than likely ruin any chance you have a working things out with your wife.

If you truly want to work things out with your wife, quit hobbying, sit down with her and talk.  Talk about everything that is going on in your lives.  Ask her if she wants to work things out between the two of you. Tell her you want to work the issues that both of you are having.  If she wants to work things out with you, she will.  If she doesn't, just walk away from the marriage. 

But whatever you do, do' not burn down the other guy's world.

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3 hours ago, ilovewomen said:

 

But whatever you do, do' not burn down the other guy's world.

Flames spread to unexpected and tragic locations quite easily.  Do you want your children to be hurt? I didn't think so - no flames! 

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3 hours ago, BadBoy said:

Flames spread to unexpected and tragic locations quite easily.  Do you want your children to be hurt? I didn't think so - no flames! 

Very well stated! Think before reacting. 

So many people are in prison because they only wanted to scare him/her! And you don’t want that or place your children through some crazy hardships 

Edited by Kali Sensual Reiki
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19 hours ago, jaxon71 said:

Ok, so I haven’t been the most faithful man in the world, but I have always made sure that my wife and kids were taken care of on a physical and an emotional level. Hobbying has just been a release for me from the stresses of every day life. 1/2 and hour here, an hour there.....So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

This has no win written all over it. While many (most?) of us here have no claim on the moral high ground, its tough to justify that your hobbying does not constitute betrayal/cheating, unless she endorses it. Her actions put her in the same category. If you two are able to some how get past all of this, write a book.  Don't burn anything down. The risk of retaliation and collateral damage is too great. 

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12 hours ago, Kandi Apple said:

This is a good reason to start in with some reversed physiology. 

Be happy for your wife and her sancho. Let it put a new pep in your step.

Start doing things that make you happy and include the kids. Put her on the back burner and she will realize how much she is missing out on. 

Lustful love dies and most affairs only are good for a brief time. 

Keep your head up because the life we live is short. It is easy for anyone to get emotionally overwhelmed by a affair.  

Stay positive and strive on!

 

Psychology not physiology....

Oops

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12 hours ago, JoDoe27 said:

It seems people want to focus on the “emotional” aspect of her cheating while forgetting the countless posts about “making a connection” with providers. That’s literally an emotional connection that is openly confined. The OP has been seeing escorts for at least 6 years and video sessions. That’s not just dipping his toe from time to time. 

Also think for a second about all the lies that need to occur in order to make a date happen; figuring out how to secretly withdraw money, excuses to get away, fake persona and email, fake phone, countless steps to cover the scent of the other woman. I’m certain I’m forgetting something but you get the point; elaborate means to ensure your own personal world remains intact and flame free. So why would you suddenly feel like the scorned lover and decide to destroy someone else’s life? Play stupid games win stupid prizes. 

The time for talking was the moment he decided this next move was and not when he stepped out the first time. His needs weren’t being met and so he took action for his own selfish reasons. And there’s nothing wrong with being selfish so don’t take that as an insult. Now she’s literally doing the same thing because her needs aren’t being met on what sounds like any level so she is selfishly doing the same thing. Or maybe she knows he’s stepping out and decided it was time to get dicked down on the side as well. 

If you truly want to save your marriage come clean. Start from the beginning about  your own actions without being accusatory and see how she responds. Don’t even mention you know what she’s doing. You don’t get to do a shitty thing to a person then dictate how they respond. For all we know she’s aware of your cheating. And yes it’s cheating. No need to spin it or fluff it up. Just accept that and try to reconcile. If you don’t want it then get a divorce and start the process of healing and moving on. 

I was going say something like this,  but you said it with more elegance than I could.  I not interested in judging other people because I have my own faults, but seeing escort is cheating no if then or buts.  Jaxon71 you cheated on your wife no matter how you feel about it.  Getting upset about just makes you a hypocrite.

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There's a lot of feel good stuff posted. Cool. Everyone needs a pep talk sometime. But your marriage is over. Time to prep.

 

Get a lawyer. Most do free consultations. Find one that looks past the emotional part to tell you what to do.

Get your papers. Copies of all your account statements. Savings, investments, stuff like that. Don't run off with the money. That's a huge no-no.

Get copies of your bills. Statements showing what you owe to who.

Get copies of your taxes and paystubs.

Those things will all be required. Here's some good to knows:

Don't move out of your house until you have a custody agreement. You can't kick her out, either, if she's on the note.

If you earn substantially more, plan to pay separate maintenance. You'll be paying it for roughly 50% of the length of your marriage, or until she remarries. 20 years of marriage is about 10 years of support.

You may or may not owe support for the little ones. As a total, it's usually about 25% of your income (covers all little ones, not a per little one basis). It'll last until the last one is 19. From that 25%, credit is applied for the number of days they live with you in the agreement, and any special school or organized extra circulars you pay for (tutors, piano, soccer, ect..). Credit is also applied for covering their health insurance. Oh, side note, you can't remove anyone from your insurance until the decree is finalized or a judge says so. If you get the option to increase maintenance and decrease support of the little ones, do it. Maintenance is pretax, support is post-tax.

Move your cell phone to a separate plan she doesn't have access to, just to keep her from fucking with it.

Consider a po box for important personal mail (not shared bills!)

Open a new bank account. Do still pay your current normal share of bills until you have a decree. That's everything- car insurance, groceries, all of it. You can try not paying, but you'll just be forced to pay later, with penalties. Save yourself the stress.

Change your passwords. Use a format you haven't before. Positive affirmations are nice, like happy@2day.

Don't argue with her. You'll be paying a lawyer to do that. And because you'll be paying a lawyer, never ask them one question. Create a list, and when it hits 5 or more, then send it. That'll save you money.

It doesn't matter that she cheated. Or that you did. It's completely irrelevant. Doesn't effect the outcome at all. I wouldn't mention escorts though. The illegal part is relevant.

Forget about ol boy. He ain't got nothing to do with anything. If it wasn't him, it'd have be another him. The problem was between you and her. Worrying about him is a waste of your time. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. There's no such thing as cosmic justice. Just your choice to be a good thing or a bad thing. Don't choose bad thing.

Don't stress about fake dv charges. It's pretty common, and pretty easy to see through. Maybe keep a voice recording app on your phone for those just in case moments.

Last two things- get a best friend, and get a therapist. You're gonna need to talk to both. A lot.

 

-Source: been that best friend too many times.

 

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1 hour ago, jj254-1 said:

There's a lot of feel good stuff posted. Cool. Everyone needs a pep talk sometime. But your marriage is over. Time to prep.

 

Get a lawyer. Most do free consultations. Find one that looks past the emotional part to tell you what to do.

Get your papers. Copies of all your account statements. Savings, investments, stuff like that. Don't run off with the money. That's a huge no-no.

Get copies of your bills. Statements showing what you owe to who.

Get copies of your taxes and paystubs.

Those things will all be required. Here's some good to knows:

Don't move out of your house until you have a custody agreement. You can't kick her out, either, if she's on the note.

If you earn substantially more, plan to pay separate maintenance. You'll be paying it for roughly 50% of the length of your marriage, or until she remarries. 20 years of marriage is about 10 years of support.

You may or may not owe support for the little ones. As a total, it's usually about 25% of your income (covers all little ones, not a per little one basis). It'll last until the last one is 19. From that 25%, credit is applied for the number of days they live with you in the agreement, and any special school or organized extra circulars you pay for (tutors, piano, soccer, ect..). Credit is also applied for covering their health insurance. Oh, side note, you can't remove anyone from your insurance until the decree is finalized or a judge says so. If you get the option to increase maintenance and decrease support of the little ones, do it. Maintenance is pretax, support is post-tax.

Move your cell phone to a separate plan she doesn't have access to, just to keep her from fucking with it.

Consider a po box for important personal mail (not shared bills!)

Open a new bank account. Do still pay your current normal share of bills until you have a decree. That's everything- car insurance, groceries, all of it. You can try not paying, but you'll just be forced to pay later, with penalties. Save yourself the stress.

Change your passwords. Use a format you haven't before. Positive affirmations are nice, like happy@2day.

Don't argue with her. You'll be paying a lawyer to do that. And because you'll be paying a lawyer, never ask them one question. Create a list, and when it hits 5 or more, then send it. That'll save you money.

It doesn't matter that she cheated. Or that you did. It's completely irrelevant. Doesn't effect the outcome at all. I wouldn't mention escorts though. The illegal part is relevant.

Forget about ol boy. He ain't got nothing to do with anything. If it wasn't him, it'd have be another him. The problem was between you and her. Worrying about him is a waste of your time. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. There's no such thing as cosmic justice. Just your choice to be a good thing or a bad thing. Don't choose bad thing.

Don't stress about fake dv charges. It's pretty common, and pretty easy to see through. Maybe keep a voice recording app on your phone for those just in case moments.

Last two things- get a best friend, and get a therapist. You're gonna need to talk to both. A lot.

 

-Source: been that best friend too many times.

 

Pretty much covers it.

If she wants to try go for it.

But can you forgive her.

Strange thing we will chase anything and not care who they may have slept with.

But once there ours we can't get over the fact that they could be intamint with anyone. 

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7 hours ago, Turtle138 said:

Pretty much covers it.

If she wants to try go for it.

But can you forgive her.

Strange thing we will chase anything and not care who they may have slept with.

But once there ours we can't get over the fact that they could be intamint with anyone. 

I think the reason Turtle, is all of the trust, emotions, time and money that you  invested in that person.  I know what he is going through. The other guy has taken all that and his trust in her away from him. Like all those years just disappeared and meant nothing.   In my case I wasn't hobbying and there were no kids. She didn't have to work, so It made it that much easier for her.  Funny thing, It was actually that,  which got me into the hobby.

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1 hour ago, Alex Majors said:

I think the reason Turtle, is all of the trust, emotions, time and money that you  invested in that person.  I know what he is going through. The other guy has taken all that and his trust in her away from him. Like all those years just disappeared and meant nothing.   In my case I wasn't hobbying and there were no kids. She didn't have to work, so It made it that much easier for her.  Funny thing, It was actually that,  which got me into the hobby.

Nah. He didn't do anything. His wife went looking for a dude. The reason she did was between her and him, not the other guy. The specific other guy doesn't matter. She was out looking and wood keep looking if that dude passed on her. The issue was at home. So many people ignore that cause its easier to blame someone else than face our own shortcomings. 

Personally, I don't get involved in monogamy. Open/poly is what works for me. Fucking is fun. I want to do a lot of it with a variety of people. My partners should have the same opportunity.

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On 6/19/2019 at 7:52 PM, jaxon71 said:

Ok, so I haven’t been the most faithful man in the world, but I have always made sure that my wife and kids were taken care of on a physical and an emotional level. Hobbying has just been a release for me from the stresses of every day life. 1/2 and hour here, an hour there.....So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

You have been cheating on your wife and now she is cheating on you...  Sorry man, suck it up and continue on with your marriage.  You wanted some strange and apparently so does she, fair is fair.  Seeing a provider IS cheating if you are married or in a committed relationship, don't try to say it isn't.  Not bashing you, I'm married and cheat like a whore but I openly admit that I'm a cheater and if I found out my wife was getting some from someone else, I would just have to suck it up.  

Edited by Bravo1
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12 hours ago, jj254-1 said:

There's a lot of feel good stuff posted. Cool. Everyone needs a pep talk sometime. But your marriage is over. Time to prep.

 

Get a lawyer. Most do free consultations. Find one that looks past the emotional part to tell you what to do.

Get your papers. Copies of all your account statements. Savings, investments, stuff like that. Don't run off with the money. That's a huge no-no.

Get copies of your bills. Statements showing what you owe to who.

Get copies of your taxes and paystubs.

Those things will all be required. Here's some good to knows:

Don't move out of your house until you have a custody agreement. You can't kick her out, either, if she's on the note.

If you earn substantially more, plan to pay separate maintenance. You'll be paying it for roughly 50% of the length of your marriage, or until she remarries. 20 years of marriage is about 10 years of support.

You may or may not owe support for the little ones. As a total, it's usually about 25% of your income (covers all little ones, not a per little one basis). It'll last until the last one is 19. From that 25%, credit is applied for the number of days they live with you in the agreement, and any special school or organized extra circulars you pay for (tutors, piano, soccer, ect..). Credit is also applied for covering their health insurance. Oh, side note, you can't remove anyone from your insurance until the decree is finalized or a judge says so. If you get the option to increase maintenance and decrease support of the little ones, do it. Maintenance is pretax, support is post-tax.

Move your cell phone to a separate plan she doesn't have access to, just to keep her from fucking with it.

Consider a po box for important personal mail (not shared bills!)

Open a new bank account. Do still pay your current normal share of bills until you have a decree. That's everything- car insurance, groceries, all of it. You can try not paying, but you'll just be forced to pay later, with penalties. Save yourself the stress.

Change your passwords. Use a format you haven't before. Positive affirmations are nice, like happy@2day.

Don't argue with her. You'll be paying a lawyer to do that. And because you'll be paying a lawyer, never ask them one question. Create a list, and when it hits 5 or more, then send it. That'll save you money.

It doesn't matter that she cheated. Or that you did. It's completely irrelevant. Doesn't effect the outcome at all. I wouldn't mention escorts though. The illegal part is relevant.

Forget about ol boy. He ain't got nothing to do with anything. If it wasn't him, it'd have be another him. The problem was between you and her. Worrying about him is a waste of your time. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. There's no such thing as cosmic justice. Just your choice to be a good thing or a bad thing. Don't choose bad thing.

Don't stress about fake dv charges. It's pretty common, and pretty easy to see through. Maybe keep a voice recording app on your phone for those just in case moments.

Last two things- get a best friend, and get a therapist. You're gonna need to talk to both. A lot.

 

-Source: been that best friend too many times.

 

Great advice all around in many of these posts.  You need to look inside of yourself first and the the answers on moving forward.  

Best of luck to you and may your heart and mind find peace.  

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I love you, Laci B)

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She probably just needed some good dick. Someone who could satisfy her. Alot of guys think they have a monopoly on sexual frustration, and that of course the reason that women cheat is because she's not getting her emotional needs met. When all she really wants is a good fuck, a really good fuck, many really good fucks, without all the extra relationship drama and baggage their partners bring with them. The I pay the bills, and take care of you and the kids, and you should be grateful bs. Even though she does all these things to take care of him and the kids, and he should be grateful and satisfied just being with her. Bottom line is they both want to fuck, and neither one of them does it for the other. It sucks when you're stuck fucking with one person for the rest your life, and that one person doesn't do it for you. I love being single and I love my job. Dont get me wrong,  I do empathize with those of you in relationships feeling unsatisfied. Glad you guys at least  have a place like this to turn to where you can find a lady of your choosing. Women still have to do things the hard way. :/

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On 6/19/2019 at 7:52 PM, jaxon71 said:

Ok, so I haven’t been the most faithful man in the world, but I have always made sure that my wife and kids were taken care of on a physical and an emotional level. Hobbying has just been a release for me from the stresses of every day life. 1/2 and hour here, an hour there.....So what do you do when you find out without a doubt that your wife is having both an emotional and physical affair with another man. I know everything there is to know about the guy, and I could burn his world down, but I truly want to work things out with my wife....Thoughts....Go...

Do whatever you think she would do if she knew about your cheating. :D

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7 minutes ago, boink36 said:

Do whatever you think she would do if she knew about your cheating. :D

So, he throws all his shit out in the driveway and drains joint bank account.  OK, taking notes, but that does what? :P

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Understanding that both parties are unfaithful, it is decision time.

Come clean, get all the laundry out on the line and then you two must decide.

You two must decide if you can get past this or it’s time to split.

Things worth having take work on both sides.

There is nothing like love between a man and a women.

Good Luck with your decision making!

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