fishndude57

K Time to Lighten It Up Again...

Started by fishndude57,

145 posts in this topic

Posted

On 4/3/2019 at 4:14 AM, goodguy69 said:

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Oh hell yes, I remember being married!!  :D

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Posted

On 4/9/2019 at 6:29 PM, fishndude57 said:

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Absolutely great.  Thanks for the laugh.

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Posted

On 12/22/2018 at 1:07 PM, Zelda Runner said:

Couldn't agree more and laughter cures everything! Cheers! 

So true!  

Love you Fishy

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79 year old patient
During a physical exam, the doctor asked his 79 year old patient about  his physical activity level. The patient described a typical day this way: 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes, eyes and hair. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few leaks behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"No," the man replied, I'm just a shitty golfer.

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Posted

On 4/15/2019 at 6:47 PM, Bit Banger said:

How about a synopsis for those of us who avoid that soul stealer FB?

Here ya go, funnier than well, you'll see...

 

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

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An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

 

   COLD BEER: $5.00

   HAMBURGER: $10.00

   CHEESEBURGER: $15.50

   CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50

   HAND JOB: $250.00

 

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.  She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.  “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

 

The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”  She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs,  “Yes sir, I sure am.”

 

The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear

says softly:  “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

 

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QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, goes to the bathroom and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She flushes a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly, says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are."

 

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Parachute Club:

Yesterday my oldest daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the condo, drinking tea isn't a good thing.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You're almost 86 years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for three jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!

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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. 

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything.

However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on.

"You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

 The man perks up.

So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

 "Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

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