fishndude57

K Time to Lighten It Up Again...

145 posts in this topic

26 minutes ago, fishndude57 said:

Rats it didn't work. 

 

I think you need different bait.  Try Benjamins. I’ve heard diamonds sometimes work, but never for catch & release. 😏

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Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the president. It's an emergency!", she said. After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?", grumbled Trump.

"A Supreme Court judge just died, and I want to take his place", she begged.

"Well, it's okay with me, if it's okay with the mortuary," replied President Trump.

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A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse.”
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?”
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is.”
"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."

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Letter to my Friend.

RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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2 hours ago, wglide2003 said:

Letter to my Friend.

RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

I'm bummed.....my ex-wife said she would never tell anyone about our WalMart experiences.  :P

Just kidding, of course.  I am a fellow who has a fine and cordial relationship with my ex since we were divorced 13 years ago.

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ok - to you guys posting images - how do you do it?  something is blocking me from dragging and dropping some funny images to this post and i have no idea why? 

Any 411 is much appreciated...

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5 hours ago, hornyoldtoad said:

ok - to you guys posting images - how do you do it?  something is blocking me from dragging and dropping some funny images to this post and i have no idea why? 

Any 411 is much appreciated...

I just right click on an image, then "copy image". Go to your post, right click again, and "paste".

That's how I do it. Good luck!  

 

 

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Thanks man - but tried and failed - i must have a setting off - and i am the bermuda triangle of technology:)

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If that were to happen (which St. Peter does not actually allow), Jesus would yell back, “so did my girlfriend.”

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Just bumping for some smiles😊

Everyone make today a great one and be kind to yourself and others❤

 

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13 hours ago, pfunk said:

Doggy Messages..visual joke.

When walking my dog, we called that "checking his p-mail".

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I might be Jason Statham on the outside, but my inside is full of Andy's Dick . ... oh wait ....

 

 

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I read this one on twitter:

Teacher asks the class to think of a 3 syllable word.

Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher reluctantly says “Yes Johnny. Do you have a 3 syllable word for us”?

Liytle Johnny replies “urinate”.

The teacher is a little shocked and asks Johnny “can you use it in a sentence”?

Little Johnny says “urinate, but if you had larger boobs, you would be a ten”.

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41 minutes ago, Laci French said:

thumbnail?appId=YMailNorrin

Your last post didn’t post 

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11 minutes ago, ilovewomen said:

Your last post didn’t post 

I see that and I'm sorry I failed you😔

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