inadifferentvoice

Are relationships overrated? Fell hard for a married woman.

68 posts in this topic

I was involved with a married woman for 10 months. She lives with her husband whom she has been married to for 16 years and 2 kids. I've know her for 19 years and were friends before she met her husband. I fell hard for this woman and even promised me she would leave her husband who has mental issues (he's on medication). She wrote me 20 love poems and we met 3 times. She lives in another state. One weekend during a telephone talk we got into a minor argument and she decided to break up with me for no apparent reason. She claims that I don't trust her and she does not trust me. She cut off all communication with me cold turkey. I'm finally getting over her. I'm not sure what really went wrong after she claimed I was the love of her love and her soulmate. Why the instant change? 

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7 minutes ago, inadifferentvoice said:

I was involved with a married woman for 10 months.

Women in general change their mind very quickly. They are mentally unstable. One minute they say they love you, next minute, they want you out of their lives. Don't take it personally. If you want her back, just give her some space for a few weeks and see what happens.

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Best not to overgeneralize when it comes to people. For every woman who, say, "changes her mind" in a relationship there's probably a hundred (likely more) men who beat the shit out of their wives/girlfriends over something incredibly stupid. Does that mean men in general beat their wives/girlfriends?

Save yourself the frustration of trying to figure out why this woman did what she did (though if I had to guess, when push came to shove she was probably unwilling to risk her marriage--with children--to continue her relationship with you, regardless of her feelings). It could have been for a dozen different reasons in her mind, and you will probably never know. Even if you were to discuss it with her at some point down the road, she might not tell you the whole truth. But unless you seriously crossed a line with her, all you really need to know is that it was about her, not you.

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5 hours ago, briscorp1 said:

Best not to overgeneralize when it comes to people. For every woman who, say, "changes her mind" in a relationship there's probably a hundred (likely more) men who beat the shit out of their wives/girlfriends over something incredibly stupid. Does that mean men in general beat their wives/girlfriends?

Women can be just as abusive as men, often more viciously.  Females tend to be more mentally abusive, which sometimes triggers violence in their mates, but their abuse may also be physical. What male wants to admit he got beat up by a woman?

5 hours ago, briscorp1 said:

...

Save yourself the frustration of trying to figure out why this woman did what she did (though if I had to guess, when push came to shove she was probably unwilling to risk her marriage--with children--to continue her relationship with you, regardless of her feelings). It could have been for a dozen different reasons in her mind, and you will probably never know. Even if you were to discuss it with her at some point down the road, she might not tell you the whole truth. But unless you seriously crossed a line with her, all you really need to know is that it was about her, not you.

On this we thoroughly agree. 👍

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Any number of possibilities. These come to mind easily:

1. Despite her declarations of love and promise to leave her husband and be with you she has decided that she is better off, or just more comfortable, with what she has so its time to drop you.

2. She has reconnected with her husband and wants to make that marriage work for the family and kids.

3. She has found a satisfying relationship close to home, more accessible, and doesn't need you any more.

4. She took some minor offense at something you said or did, blew it out of proportion in her head, and wants to punish you for it.

Any way you look at it the relationship is over so its time for you to move on with your life.

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Sarcasm...kinda... Because bitches be crazy!!!

Ok, in seriousness,

She probably didn’t want to risk everything for you. If there’s a single doubt in her mind, she probably needed to cut things off and do it suddenly. My guess, the hassle of divorce with littles was more hassle than she thought was worth.

Personally, if you’re deeply, passionately, completely in love and know without a shadow of doubt you found your soulmate....nothing stands in your way. NOTHING! I blew up my entire life for this very thing. BUT if I’m being truly honest, if I had dependables, who counted on me then I might be reluctant. I however and so glad I do not have that worry as mine are grown adults. 

To the OP,

big hugs! Closure is important and I’d reach out to ask for lunch just for an explanation. Key is to not get emotional. You’re hurt, but she’s likely hurting as well. The question then becomes, how far are you willing to go for love? Maybe she needs to know that from you. 

Just my .02.....free of charge. 

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First of all, thank you all who replied. Thank you! I never crossed any line with her. I treated her respect and love. She does have the tendency to blow things out of proportion. I mean... but to the point of no communication. She even told me: "I never want to associate with you ever again." I told her at least tell me why. She refuesed.  I told her that I was wiling to wait for her, as in I never gave her a timeline to divorce her husband. She told me that the whole divorce should not take more than 2 years at the very most extreme. They have kids, house, cars, bills etc. I mean, she had photographs of us in her office at her work. People knew about us. Family and friends have all stated that the way she went about doing it is very immature and speaks volumes of who she really is. I'm shocked in the way she went about in breaking up. 

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2 hours ago, inadifferentvoice said:

First of all, thank you all who replied. Thank you! I never crossed any line with her. I treated her respect and love. She does have the tendency to blow things out of proportion. I mean... but to the point of no communication. She even told me: "I never want to associate with you ever again." I told her at least tell me why. She refuesed.  I told her that I was wiling to wait for her, as in I never gave her a timeline to divorce her husband. She told me that the whole divorce should not take more than 2 years at the very most extreme. They have kids, house, cars, bills etc. I mean, she had photographs of us in her office at her work. People knew about us. Family and friends have all stated that the way she went about doing it is very immature and speaks volumes of who she really is. I'm shocked in the way she went about in breaking 

Best bet...stop worrying about what she did wrong. She's taking care of herself, as she should be.  Focus on what's going on with yourself, and make the neccessary changes to take care of yourself, so you're not in this situation again. Date women who are available, and not in other relationships. Good luck with your life moving forward. 

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I hate to point out the obvious but you were the side piece and her marriage of 16 years and the kids pulled more weight.  

 

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13 hours ago, inadifferentvoice said:

I was involved with a married woman for 10 months. She lives with her husband whom she has been married to for 16 years and 2 kids. 

There's your answer.  She's married. What did you expect?  Seriously?

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You chose to get involved with a married woman - enough said...

 

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The hardest part you have to come to grips with is, she does not want you any more.  If you can accept that at face value, then you can move on.  She needed an excuse, any excuse, to break it off with you. Probably nothing you did.  Quit beating yourself up. Just accept the fact that she doesn’t want you. 

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22 hours ago, inadifferentvoice said:

I was involved with a married woman for 10 months. She lives with her husband whom she has been married to for 16 years and 2 kids. I've know her for 19 years and were friends before she met her husband. I fell hard for this woman and even promised me she would leave her husband who has mental issues (he's on medication). She wrote me 20 love poems and we met 3 times. She lives in another state. One weekend during a telephone talk we got into a minor argument and she decided to break up with me for no apparent reason. She claims that I don't trust her and she does not trust me. She cut off all communication with me cold turkey. I'm finally getting over her. I'm not sure what really went wrong after she claimed I was the love of her love and her soulmate. Why the instant change? 

This is how I see it. She does not honestly know what she wants. Sounds like yes you and her had a connection but if she was honestly finished with the relationship and had fallen out of love with her husband then she would not have stopped communication with you. Guilt, excuses that she formulated in her head to justify her actions through the course of your relationship finally overcame her. When someone is married and they say that they are no longer in love with their spouse or they have grown completely apart. But stay in the relationship it is usually for the fear of perception and change. You should never stay in a relationship for any other reason then love. But it’s easier said then done. Women usually stay because of children, and financial security. I know I will get flack for this but it’s the truth. Even if both parties are working, that additional income besides their own does make a difference. Since she has been in this marriage for 19+ years she has become very comfortable. She could very well love you but to disrupt the past and present does not out weigh the future. She would have to start all over again with possibly less then she entered the relationship with due to court costs, divided income etc. 

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I knew she was married. There was always a part of me that doubted the her feelings towards. It's not so much that I'm not over her, it's the fact of the level of lies she told me. She told me she wanted a future with me and grow old with me. I've never ever lied to a woman like that. I've always being upfront with women. I asked her at the very beginning, do you want an affair or relationship. She told me she wanted a relationship. We discussed our lives and future and what not. I'm just shocked at the level of lies she told me. Why lie? When I asked her what she wanted. Why put pictures of she and I in her office? Why even tell her co-workers and parents about us? 

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Calisurfgirl, I think you are 100% correct. Because this woman was always nervous about moving to where I am and she did tell she was trying to figure out things financially. You see, in my idealistic utopian mind, love is more powerful than a loveless and sexless marriage...And more powerful than money. I guess I am a misguided idealist. 

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Wow, I'm sorry your feelings go hurt. That is always difficult. I'm also sorry that she put her family in jeopardy. She may have realized the affect that he selfishness would have on her family. The D word is really life changing for the littles. Maybe a valuable lesson has been learned. I'm sure that you will find the right one after taking some time to heal and evaluate what just happened.

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11 hours ago, inadifferentvoice said:

Calisurfgirl, I think you are 100% correct. Because this woman was always nervous about moving to where I am and she did tell she was trying to figure out things financially. You see, in my idealistic utopian mind, love is more powerful than a loveless and sexless marriage...And more powerful than money. I guess I am a misguided idealist. 

OP, I just posted these same words in an entirely different thread, but they seem to apply equally well here.  Wise words from Saint Joni, patron saint of lonely men:

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

"Both Sides Now,"   Joni Mitchell
 

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First off women are crazy!  Even if they aren’t - we have all sorts of crazy bred into us.  I can say this because I’m a woman - just a mild form of crazy!

 

Lastly, you knew her a long time ago.  When it came time to commit - leave her husband -  no way in hell would she.  I don’t know you - and you could potentially be the best man out there!  But when it actually comes down to it and time to commit and leave her husband of 10+ years and 2 kiddos - it’s just not going to happen.  

In the mean time - that’s why P411 and theotherboard exist!

Cheers!

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OP, if you were the vengeful type & were inclined to retaliate, you could cause quite a bit of damage to this woman's situation by sharing her 20 love poems to you with her husband.

But that would be wrong.  : ) 

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4 hours ago, Robert Johnson said:

OP, if you were the vengeful type & were inclined to retaliate, you could cause quite a bit of damage to this woman's situation by sharing her 20 love poems to you with her husband.

But that would be wrong.  : ) 

Nothing good comes of this at all

Worst advice ever. 😕

Walk away.  Heal yourself.  Cherish the memories.   Move on

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5 hours ago, Robert Johnson said:

OP, if you were the vengeful type & were inclined to retaliate, you could cause quite a bit of damage to this woman's situation by sharing her 20 love poems to you with her husband.

But that would be wrong.  : ) 

Jesus, this is such a horrible thing to even put out.  Only a immature person that has emotional issues would do something like this. 

 

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1 minute ago, Laci French said:

Jesus, this is such a horrible thing to even put out.  Only a immature person that has emotional issues would do something like this. 

 

Ah, but the OP is having emotional issues. I don’t think maturity enters into the equation when there’s enough emotion to cloud reason.

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5 hours ago, Robert Johnson said:

OP, if you were the vengeful type & were inclined to retaliate, you could cause quite a bit of damage to this woman's situation by sharing her 20 love poems to you with her husband.

But that would be wrong.  : ) 

Well, if he did this, it would be quite clear why she left him. Hopefully, he's more stable and confident in himself to not behave like this.

How about not hurting innocent people who played no part in this situation because two adults made a bad decision, and ended up with the typical result. 

It's hard sitting in, and living with the messes we create in our own lives. Feel it, learn from it, let it go, move on, happiness is always around the corner if you allow it. 

I've seen people let this kind of shit damn near eat them alive. Wasting months or even years of their life that they will never get back. 

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When this thread first started, the OP mentioned that he and the lady had an argument on the phone.

Please correct me if I am wrong here but from reading this entire thread until right now, I have not read what the argument was about.

Whatever it was about, she feels that it was a big enough issue to totally cut off any communication with the OP.

I’m curious to know what the argument was about. That could shed a whole new light on this thread.

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5 minutes ago, ilovewomen said:

When this thread first started, the OP mentioned that he and the lady had an argument on the phone.

Please correct me if I am wrong here but from reading this entire thread until right now, I have not read what the argument was about.

Whatever it was about, she feels that it was a big enough issue to totally cut off any communication with the OP.

I’m curious to know what the argument was about. That could shed a whole new light on this thread.

Family, friends, office mates and maybe the husband all seem to know of this relationship at this point. We’re in too deep not to know the full story! 

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Women aren’t crazy just the women that YOU guys have picked have been, let’s be honest lol 

Relationships are beautiful and fulfilling, you just have to be more selective and discerning 

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2 hours ago, Laci French said:

Jesus, this is such a horrible thing to even put out.  Only a immature person that has emotional issues would do something like this. 

But Laci, this was posted by Robert Johnson.  Are you forgetting that he sold his soul to the devil at the Crossroads?  What can you expect?

(Sorry Robert, it had to be said B))

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9 hours ago, Robert Johnson said:

OP, if you were the vengeful type & were inclined to retaliate, you could cause quite a bit of damage to this woman's situation by sharing her 20 love poems to you with her husband.

But that would be wrong.  : ) 

Why would you even bring this up?

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In a Different Voice;

I have been there (more than once). I have heard it all, and I know how you feel.

Put yourself in her place. You provided a fantasy, a fairy tale. You where an escape from her daily life, giving her hope, but as the reality got closer and closer the fairy tale faded. She could be scared. She has two children, she doesn't want to lose them. She might be concern about what people will think of her, how her chidlren will see her as a person. She might sill care for her husband, she might not love him but might care about him and doesn't want to hurt him.

She likely sabotaged the relationship because a part of her found it easier to push back than to be honest with you and herself. She can live with herself if it is your fault. She cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you so she either cuts things off this way believing you are better off without her, or she convinced herself that you did something wrong making it easier to live with her decision. She is not doing this to hurt you, but because she loves you and it is the only way she can deal with reality.

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