inadifferentvoice

Are relationships overrated? Fell hard for a married woman.

68 posts in this topic

Your questions about various "why's " and "lies" are unhealthy and irrelevant. The truth is, you will almost certainly never know the truth, and it would'nt matter anyway. What you (and now we) DO know is this: You and she were completely incompatible regarding your life situations. You and she are completely incompatible in how you process information and communicate. These are deal breakers and override any and all other compatibilities you all enjoyed\shared. It was never going to work long term and that is that. Therefore, stop questioning it. You had some fun, made some memories, and that was all there ever could have been.

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23 hours ago, Hunter VanDyke said:

Well, if he did this, it would be quite clear why she left him. Hopefully, he's more stable and confident in himself to not behave like this.

How about not hurting innocent people who played no part in this situation because two adults made a bad decision, and ended up with the typical result. 

It's hard sitting in, and living with the messes we create in our own lives. Feel it, learn from it, let it go, move on, happiness is always around the corner if you allow it. 

I've seen people let this kind of shit damn near eat them alive. Wasting months or even years of their life that they will never get back. 

This is idle conversation designed to be entertainment (at least, for most of us).  It seems when somebody speaks candidly adding perhaps a little sarcasm or irony to the mix, as one may easily do in public, the moralists come out to pass judgment.  No harm, no foul, I guess. 

With one woman I dated for 4 months, we had a very difficult "breakup" that went several rounds back and forth  - breaking up, reconciling, breaking up.  In our final meeting (at least I think it was our last), she called and said she wanted to meet and talk once again.  However, considering that I finally had had enough and stated so, that I felt there was no more left to discuss, this woman made veiled threats that she could, would, or might, falsely accuse me of rape.  There was no incident of the kind but despite this, I went through with the meeting just in case she was serious about her intentions.  All went well and she later, thankfully, left the state.

My point is, I feel there is no one on this board who possesses any moralistic or psychiatric authority to judge another.

Thanks.

-RJ 

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36 minutes ago, Robert Johnson said:

This is idle conversation designed to be entertainment (at least, for most of us).  It seems when somebody speaks candidly adding perhaps a little sarcasm or irony to the mix, as one may easily do in public, the moralists come out to pass judgment.  No harm, no foul, I guess. 

With one woman I dated for 4 months, we had a very difficult "breakup" that went several rounds back and forth  - breaking up, reconciling, breaking up.  In our final meeting (at least I think it was our last), she called and said she wanted to meet and talk once again.  However, considering that I finally had had enough and stated so, that I felt there was no more left to discuss, this woman made veiled threats that she could, would, or might, falsely accuse me of rape.  There was no incident of the kind but despite this, I went through with the meeting just in case she was serious about her intentions.  All went well and she later, thankfully, left the state.

My point is, I feel there is no one on this board who possesses any moralistic or psychiatric authority to judge another.

Thanks.

-RJ 

Idealistically I kind of agree. Realistically, I kind of disagree. In the BIG picture, idealistically, nobody has the right to judge others, be they on this board or anywhere else. That said, diversity and freedom includes everyone, even those who judge....and the O.P. invited everyone to comment...even them. Realistically, the O.P gave moralists the right to pass judgement. More relationships end negatively than end positively for everyone...you.....me....OP...other readers. The price of human emotions. People judge other SITUATIONS based on their emotions, experiences and thoughts...the price of human intelligence. I have fallen hard and had painful break ups in my lifetime as well....with women married and single. Now as I approach 60, I marvel at how fortunate I am that all relationships ended, leaving me as I am now...blissfully single. Sharing my life with another person would offer me nothing and so only lower my quality of life. Moralists might now have opinions on that, and I have given them the right to state it. That would not however make them true, or bother me .

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1 hour ago, Admiral C said:

... Now as I approach 60, I marvel at how fortunate I am that all relationships ended, leaving me as I am now...blissfully single. Sharing my life with another person would offer me nothing and so only lower my quality of life. Moralists might now have opinions on that, and I have given them the right to state it. That would not however make them true, or bother me .

As a recent widower at 65, I was blissful at being single. No more have to get plans approved, no more hiding my participation in this hobby, etc.👍

But a few years and a few health scares later, I have a some second thoughts. I was there for her. Who will be there for me? 😏

I’m not quite ready to give up the freedoms of being single, but I am beginning to ask myself what I want in a partner.🤫

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4 minutes ago, Bit Banger said:

As a recent widower at 65, I was blissful at being single. No more have to get plans approved, no more hiding my participation in this hobby, etc.👍

But a few years and a few health scares later, I have a some second thoughts. I was there for her. Who will be there for me? 😏

I’m not quite ready to give up the freedoms of being single, but I am beginning to ask myself what I want in a partner.🤫

I ran out of rep points. But coming from a provider who sees older gentlemen who are in your situation, its heartwarming to see this post. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching them slowly dip there feet back into dating, and then watching them jump right in the dating pool, and going for it. It's awesome to see that sparkle in their eyes come back, it's like watching a rebirth. Good luck on your journey, whichever path you choose. 

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22 minutes ago, Bit Banger said:

As a recent widower at 65, I was blissful at being single. No more have to get plans approved, no more hiding my participation in this hobby, etc.👍

But a few years and a few health scares later, I have a some second thoughts. I was there for her. Who will be there for me? 😏

I’m not quite ready to give up the freedoms of being single, but I am beginning to ask myself what I want in a partner.🤫

No offense at all BB, but your post reads more like you are thinking about a nurse\care giver than a partner. She might get ill and go first ya know...

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1 minute ago, Admiral C said:

No offense at all BB, but your post reads more like you are thinking about a nurse\care giver than a partner. She might get ill and go first ya know...

No offense taken. Yes, there is an element of seeking a caretaker; someone to calm my fears in the dark hours.  

But there’s also much more.  I’ve found that sharing the journey is more joyful.  Yes, I’ve hired a few companions for some of my travels, but logistics and their freedom to travel can be limited. They usually have other obligations at home.  “Table for one” gets depressing. Forget about cooking, or even buying groceries, in single serving sizes.  A recent companion & I spent our evenings playing dominoes & go, with laughter and conversation. So much better than sitting there watching the TV, or hanging out in bars.

I also realize that I could be setting myself up for Round 2 as a caregiver. There are no guarantees in life other than, “Nobody gets out alive.”

Some of the other questions I ask myself are, “”What am I willing to give up for a partner? What compromises am I willing to make? What obligations am I willing to accept?  Who would consider a relationship with a relic like me?”  

Like the rest of life, IT’S COMPLICATED!

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1 minute ago, Bit Banger said:

No offense taken. Yes, there is an element of seeking a caretaker; someone to calm my fears in the dark hours.  

But there’s also much more.  I’ve found that sharing the journey is more joyful.  Yes, I’ve hired a few companions for some of my travels, but logistics and their freedom to travel can be limited. They usually have other obligations at home.  “Table for one” gets depressing. Forget about cooking, or even buying groceries, in single serving sizes.  A recent companion & I spent our evenings playing dominoes & go, with laughter and conversation. So much better than sitting there watching the TV, or hanging out in bars.

I also realize that I could be setting myself up for Round 2 as a caregiver. There are no guarantees in life other than, “Nobody gets out alive.”

Some of the other questions I ask myself are, “”What am I willing to give up for a partner? What compromises am I willing to make? What obligations am I willing to accept?  Who would consider a relationship with a relic like me?”  

Like the rest of life, IT’S COMPLICATED!

Not looking to advocate selfishness, but those are only good questions AFTER you have answered the question... "What do I get \want in a relationship?"  If that question is answered...on to those others. For me, the answer to what I wanted was....nothing...so it is a non issue for me. You ain't just whistlin' Dixie about no guarantees and the caregiver role.....I became a caregiver then widower when the wife and I were both 36. It all cuts to the point of this thread. OP wanted the married gal....you might want another partner....I'm not interested in a partner...the next person...??? Who's right? We all are...but just for ourselves.

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13 minutes ago, Admiral C said:

... It all cuts to the point of this thread. ...Who's right? We all are...but just for ourselves.

On that, compadre, we completely agree!

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Ilove women, the argument was about she saying that I don't trust her. The day prior she sent me a text saying that she had to turn off her phone because her husband was off his medication and going crazy. That greatly bothered considering one year ago she called 911 on him. What was I supposed to say or do? I let it go and offered no opinion. The following morning she calle me crying and explains what happened. Then later that day, at night we facetime we get into the argument accuses me of not trusting her and that she does not trust me. Thus, proceeded to break up with me. 

 

Geez, why would I send her husband all those poems? LOL! I mean, she did have pictures of she and I in her office at work. People knew about us. Her parents knew she was having an affair. I have pictures of she and I together as well. Apparently, what she told me, is that her husband vaguely knew about us. He knew she was involved with someone. At least that is what she hinted at me. She never said it overtly. 

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2 hours ago, Bit Banger said:

As a recent widower at 65, I was blissful at being single. No more have to get plans approved, no more hiding my participation in this hobby, etc.👍

But a few years and a few health scares later, I have a some second thoughts. I was there for her. Who will be there for me? 😏

I’m not quite ready to give up the freedoms of being single, but I am beginning to ask myself what I want in a partner.🤫

With all the ladies that love you...I can guarantee you will never be alone. 

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The whole thing, from my point of view and the point of view of family and friends came straight out of left field. Regarding the break up. I like family friends saw it as not a real legit reason to break up. She did tell me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She was making plans to divorce and move with me. We had the next to years or so roughly planned out. 

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1 hour ago, inadifferentvoice said:

Ilove women, the argument was about she saying that I don't trust her. The day prior she sent me a text saying that she had to turn off her phone because her husband was off his medication and going crazy. That greatly bothered considering one year ago she called 911 on him. What was I supposed to say or do? I let it go and offered no opinion. The following morning she calle me crying and explains what happened. Then later that day, at night we facetime we get into the argument accuses me of not trusting her and that she does not trust me. Thus, proceeded to break up with me. 

 

Geez, why would I send her husband all those poems? LOL! I mean, she did have pictures of she and I in her office at work. People knew about us. Her parents knew she was having an affair. I have pictures of she and I together as well. Apparently, what she told me, is that her husband vaguely knew about us. He knew she was involved with someone. At least that is what she hinted at me. She never said it overtly. 

Well sir...if you must question it, I will answer it for you. Fair warning...you may not believe, and will not like the answer....Rest assured though, it's true. She a married woman, had an affair with you. You had an affair with her, knowing she was married. Hence she concludes that neither would ever be able to trust the other.

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On 11/10/2018 at 1:55 PM, Melissa Sterling said:

Sarcasm...kinda... Because bitches be crazy!!

:wub: Never judgmental, always on point. I'm willing to bet there are very lucky people that consider you a friend.

Edited by Hobby Hobbit
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On 11/10/2018 at 5:13 AM, inadifferentvoice said:

I was involved with a married woman for 10 months. She lives with her husband whom she has been married to for 16 years and 2 kids. I've know her for 19 years and were friends before she met her husband. I fell hard for this woman and even promised me she would leave her husband who has mental issues (he's on medication). She wrote me 20 love poems and we met 3 times. She lives in another state. One weekend during a telephone talk we got into a minor argument and she decided to break up with me for no apparent reason. She claims that I don't trust her and she does not trust me. She cut off all communication with me cold turkey. I'm finally getting over her. I'm not sure what really went wrong after she claimed I was the love of her love and her soulmate. Why the instant change? 

Good riddance. Look, a married man for close to three decades, I am hardly the arbiter of fidelity and trust, but at least I know the scum I am, at least in the eyes of our Judeo-Christian farce I meant, society of ours. This love of your life had what appears to be a long-term relationship with you while married with children. Now that you've been slighted you must ask yourself, "self, would she have been true to me?" And keep it moving.

Edited by Hobby Hobbit
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Life can be so damn complicated at times. What one person views as a minor problem can be a major, and I mean major issue for another.

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8 hours ago, Bit Banger said:

As a recent widower at 65, I was blissful at being single. No more have to get plans approved, no more hiding my participation in this hobby, etc.👍

But a few years and a few health scares later, I have a some second thoughts. I was there for her. Who will be there for me? 😏

I’m not quite ready to give up the freedoms of being single, but I am beginning to ask myself what I want in a partner.🤫

Bit, a week's worth of rep.  I know exactly what you mean.  I enjoy being single for freedom.  For the ability to meet new ladies and make new friends.  I enjoy the company of a couple atf's in total 2 or 3 times per month, and holy shit is that nice.  They are ....... stop, no shilling.  For an hour or two per week.  The other 166 hours of the week can get pretty lonely.  Especially the night time ones.  Guess it is a balancing act.  Unfortunately for success in obtaining a partner it is getting less and less possible to attract even the "age appropriate" ones in tandem with enjoying the younger lady (younger than me covers a bit of ground!) so damn much and not just for the sex. (enough reason in itself) but the energy and optimism of youth.  But realistic enough to know that is cash only, understandably.

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7 hours ago, Laci French said:

With all the ladies that love you...I can guarantee you will never be alone. 

Ah, but aforementioned “obligations at home” tend to get in the way. 😕

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39 minutes ago, gr8owl said:

Bit, a week's worth of rep.  I know exactly what you mean.  I enjoy being single for freedom.  For the ability to meet new ladies and make new friends.  I enjoy the company of a couple atf's in total 2 or 3 times per month, and holy shit is that nice.  They are ....... stop, no shilling.  For an hour or two per week.  The other 166 hours of the week can get pretty lonely.  Especially the night time ones.  Guess it is a balancing act.  Unfortunately for success in obtaining a partner it is getting less and less possible to attract even the "age appropriate" ones in tandem with enjoying the younger lady (younger than me covers a bit of ground!) so damn much and not just for the sex. (enough reason in itself) but the energy and optimism of youth.  But realistic enough to know that is cash only, understandably.

Even for a "younger" guy, rolling on 50 in January, finding an "age appropriate" lady that appeals to one's "wow" factor is hard.  There are many attractive ladies that have curves from having children.  

In the past 6 years I have had 3 ladies that I was certain were "into" me.  As I meet them because of my work, I gave it time to make sure.  Only to find out that each of them were unavailable. 

The 1st, dumped her BF.  Only to get back together. 

2nd,  was always involved.   Sure didn't let on. 

3rd and just happened,  let it be known finally that she just moved  in with a guy.  But "wasn't sure" he it would last. 

As has Melissa  mentioned,  "bitches be crazy".    But I keep my eyes open. 

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On 11/12/2018 at 10:00 PM, inadifferentvoice said:

I guess I expected more from this woman. At least an honest explanation. 

In what world do you have the rite to expect anything from a married women with kids. I would imagine her husband was expecting something when he put that ring on her finger. Look how that turned out.

Me dad once told me "there's no cure for stupid".

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Be smart stay away from relationships very seldom do they workout the way you hope

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19 hours ago, Bit Banger said:

As a recent widower at 65, I was blissful at being single. No more have to get plans approved, no more hiding my participation in this hobby, etc.👍

But a few years and a few health scares later, I have a some second thoughts. I was there for her. Who will be there for me? 😏

I’m not quite ready to give up the freedoms of being single, but I am beginning to ask myself what I want in a partner.🤫

Bit, I feel for you.  For me it was a divorce after 19 years together.  It devastated me.  After many years, I am coming to be at peace with being single.  I've got great friends, a "family of choice" and this community.  I am also feeling more comfortable being single, have no desire for another marriage, enjoy time with friends (both ladies and gents), and have no desire to get into a traditional relationship.  And I have to say, the TOB community has helped me....a lot.  I am able to get some needs (and wants) met because of some of the lovely ladies in our community.

Yet, there are some nights when I wonder about being alone and what will happen as I continue to age.  Retirement in a couple of years will be very different than what I expected when I was younger.  Hopefully I will roll with whatever unfolds with some grace and dignity, and find some ease and comfort in unexpected ways.

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Tide 32, I guess in my mature age of 39 I would expect an explanation of some sorts. Married with kids or not married with kids. I think you meant right not rite. 

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Move on and find another woman, maybe a single one this time.  Women may cheat on a spouse but they are going to side with their kids over some side dick. 

 

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On 11/15/2018 at 1:45 PM, inadifferentvoice said:

Tide 32, I guess in my mature age of 39 I would expect an explanation of some sorts. Married with kids or not married with kids. I think you meant right not rite. 

That hurt. :(

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On 11/11/2018 at 11:41 AM, BadBoy said:

OP, I just posted these same words in an entirely different thread, but they seem to apply equally well here.  Wise words from Saint Joni, patron saint of lonely men:

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

"Both Sides Now,"   Joni Mitchell
 

The “conscious observer” can always stand on the outside and look in without real attachment to emotional situations at hand.  Try this once you’re able to let go a bit and you feel as though you’re becoming stronger with  moving past the heartache of Your situation. With everything there is a valuable lesson to be learned.

BB I love Joni Mitchell! Lol we do love the same music! Especially touching lyrics. That was a great share! 

Edited by Kali Sensual Reiki
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All words of Wisdom Hunter!  Hot air wasted on deaf ears! :(  Thank you for the vote confidence in me! Guess, I am not cool enough LOL! :D  

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1 hour ago, Kali Sensual Reiki said:

All words of Wisdom Hunter!  Hot air wasted on deaf ears! :(  Thank you for the vote confidence in me! Guess, I am not cool enough LOL! :D  

What I am trying to say is sometimes we need to sit in  our our own stew of self-pity for sometime before we can finally step away to see our personal lesson within all that’s transpired.

Sending reiki! ❤️ 

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