oldertruckguy-9225

Just take the extra time

17 posts in this topic

Two months ago today a kind, sweet, bright, smart, intelligent but very damaged, troubled young lady ended her pain. As hard as I tried I could never grasp her hurt. I often sat and listened. Just held her many, many times. Offered advice. Spent a considerable amount of time and effort ensuring she went to court ordered rehab. I actually sprung for a private rehab.  Sometimes I got so tired of it. There were times when I stopped trying to understand. There were times when I got angry.   Lots of times I felt like a foolish old man. Sometimes I felt like an enabler. She occasionally posted on BP. I was accused of playing "Captain Save a Hoe" . I knew things were especially bad the evening she committed suicide. We talked and texted several times that evening. And then I stopped answering her texts and calls. It sounded like the same old tired stuff and I was not in a place to deal with it. I did not get in my truck an drive over there. I did not want to.  I know This was not my fault. Driving over there may or may not have made a difference. I will never know. While I do not spend extraordinary amounts of time wondering "what if" I have honestly ask myself would she still be alive if I had responded just one more time. Maybe driving over there would have made a difference.

I do know she reached out and I was tired.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

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I’m very sorry for your loss.

It is clear this is still haunting you, but you have to stop blaming yourself. She made her decision.

And really, who knows? Maybe the time you spent with her and helped her through her difficult times was the reason why she didn’t end it sooner.

...you will never know... but she is gone and you have to let her go. 

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You are very admirable. Sometimes people become toxic to us. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them. This is so sad, and seems to be more common. Of course you can’t blame yourself. If it wasn’t then , it may have happened another time. Bless you, bless her. And may she RIP. May all of these struggling people find peace and serenity.

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I’ve been known as captain save a hoe, there is nothing you could of done about it, if they won’t save themselves you can’t save them

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Unfortunately i have a few experiences where i have lost people close to me to suicide.  It leaves those still here with many unanswered questions. None of which are usually ever answered. Typically if one wants to take their own life then usually they will one way or another follow thru. Not a darn thing you, me or anyone else can so about it. It is painful to think about and imo a very selfish thing for someone to do. They may be gone but their decision affects many many people who they leave behind devastated and wondering why?  I feel for you. And it is a good thing to vent. We are listening.

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You did what you could, perhaps more, but we all reach a point where we don’t have anything more to give. I recall having it drilled into my head during lifeguard training - You have to protect yourself to have any chance of bringing that drowning victim to shore.  I’m sorry for your loss.  You can “What if ...?” until the cows come home, but all that does is drag you down. Her struggles are over.  Lay yours down with her.

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56 minutes ago, Bit Banger said:

 Her struggles are over.  Lay yours down with her.

Wonderful advice! I'm sorry for your loss, oldertruckguy. 

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Part of why I enjoy this board is there are so many genuinely caring people.

Not sure what to say other than I am so sorry for your loss and hope you grieve your loss fully in a healthy way.  Grief and loss have no timetable.  I am not aware of any "quick fix", and wouldn't want one if it were available.  When we feel loss, it means we are human and that we truly care.  For me, I have to be careful to not bottle up those feelings, but also not get too mired in the muck of them.  When ready, talking with friends can be a good thing.  The value of someone who listens deeply, without judgment, that doesn't try to "fix it" is priceless.  We celebrate together and we grieve together.

Suicide is a tough subject to deal with and talk about.  We can't save someone, and it sounds like you went the extra mile to do as much as possible.  People make their own decisions.  Not saying this is the case, but mental health and substance use issues can be devastating, both for the person and for the people around them.

Please take care of yourself in ways that are helpful to you.  I hope some of those ways include talking with someone.  I've also found the "Grief Recovery Handbook" to be helpful in my own life.

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You have done what you could to try and help a troubled soul. Take care of yourself and continue to help others who are in a bad place. Trust that others will help you if you are the one in need

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I wish you strength and fortitude during this difficult time. Your actions and emotions are a testament to your character. 

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Trucker, I am so sorry for your loss and implied guilt. For those with a kind and giving heart it is very hard not to try to "fix" people you meet that have major emotional and/or substance issues.  When it becomes a constant barrage of negativity (especially when all suggestions are argued with or tossed aside!) it becomes very hard to stay in and "be there" for them without losing your own grasp.  Been there.  It is extremely taxing and tiring.  On the other hand when you actually do help someone in part turn things around it is a great feeling.  My best suggestion to all kind souls though is DO NOT try to take on a job that begs for professional help if you are not one, do not blame yourself for things you did not create, and unless you are in it to the end no matter how hard it gets (and it will) do NOT get involved just to let them down at their darkest point.  Steer them to a professional from the start.  Please.  And this is intended to apply to literally major issues - not just being there for a friend that just needs a temporary shoulder to cry on.  Friendship is life's greatest gift, but some cases call for so much more than a friend.  Best wishes to you, trucker.

And to all those in severe pain,  please get real, professional help.

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Speaking of taking some time, you really ought to go talk this out with a qualified therapist.  We can't really offer what you need here, we can try, but we can't.  I know what you are going through and it is very difficult.  Good luck to you, it is not your fault, take some time to get yourself sorted out.

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I feel your pain and am sorry for your loss.

I’ve  had 2 brothers commit suicide and I continually wonder what I could have done for them to prevent it from happening.

The loss of someone you feel strongly about is difficult to accept.

Time will ease your conscience. 

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Hey trucker, you did what you could. I think the lady would have done this anyway. You tried. You know that. You emphathized with her,you showed her more compassion then many others did I'm sure. You  were her friend.   And you tried to help.  Don"t beat your self up, all you can do now is just mourn the loss of a friend.🍀

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THANK YOU to all of you! I will be fine. Just didn't expect the wave of emotion of the last few days. Being able to vent here has helped! The kindness and thoughtful responses from each of you, here, and in the dozen's of pm's are not surprising and so very  much appreciated. Lets close this thread. Can I ask the moderator's to do that.  

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On 8/24/2018 at 3:45 PM, oldertruckguy-9225 said:

Two months ago today a kind, sweet, bright, smart, intelligent but very damaged, troubled young lady ended her pain. As hard as I tried I could never grasp her hurt. I often sat and listened. Just held her many, many times. Offered advice. Spent a considerable amount of time and effort ensuring she went to court ordered rehab. I actually sprung for a private rehab.  Sometimes I got so tired of it. There were times when I stopped trying to understand. There were times when I got angry.   Lots of times I felt like a foolish old man. Sometimes I felt like an enabler. She occasionally posted on BP. I was accused of playing "Captain Save a Hoe" . I knew things were especially bad the evening she committed suicide. We talked and texted several times that evening. And then I stopped answering her texts and calls. It sounded like the same old tired stuff and I was not in a place to deal with it. I did not get in my truck an drive over there. I did not want to.  I know This was not my fault. Driving over there may or may not have made a difference. I will never know. While I do not spend extraordinary amounts of time wondering "what if" I have honestly ask myself would she still be alive if I had responded just one more time. Maybe driving over there would have made a difference.

I do know she reached out and I was tired.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Speaking from A close and Same Tragedy. It Hurts, It always will. I know it seems harsh, But I tell myself "She was just being selfish". Someday it will help, maybe even be true, but No matter what, YOU have to keep shining on for her. Remember her.Talk about the good times, Cry about the bad. Do not let your self get angry as I did. Not anger towards her. But angry because We won't laugh together again, Angry because I can't call and Say " How was your day?", I was angry because I knew We would never walk Sloan's Lake again...Then I realized. I WAS the Selfish one..Her Pain in Life was unbearable. And I wish that on No one, her ending was her choice, by her hand. The way SHE wanted to go..My last Final Respect for her. She Determined her own life and death.....Healing is slow ,its painful. But when You can move on again. It will feel wonderful!!! I am sorry for your loss.. Hopefully the TOB community helps a bit :)

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