Audrey Astor

Post Your Funnies

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Wisdom of the Scots:
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
  Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"
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Chile cook off

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

Judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know

how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at

the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster

named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy

and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy #$%@, what the #&** is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting #$%&-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow

cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge

#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted toreally hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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That’s the best post I’ve read today wglide,  thx I was actually crying half way thru for Judge #3.  

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In Denver at Sonic you can get a Green Chili Cheeseburger with green chilies.

In Texas, it’s a Jalapeño Cheeseburger.

I spend 2 weeks a month in Austin and it is definitely a different world when it comes to food and toppings.

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Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip. 

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" 

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and why so many people held him in such high esteem. 

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

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I keep getting rejected posting funnies stating my file size may no longer exceed 30.72k.  Is there a file size limit per thread we are allowed?  Just to check i tried to drag and drop ones i had already posted and they are now too big?

Just wanna know if i'm doing something wrong - have a funny 'funny' to post:)

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2 hours ago, hornyoldtoad said:

I keep getting rejected posting funnies stating my file size may no longer exceed 30.72k.  Is there a file size limit per thread we are allowed?  Just to check i tried to drag and drop ones i had already posted and they are now too big?

Just wanna know if i'm doing something wrong - have a funny 'funny' to post:)

Entering images I always try to go with a variation of 800 x 600 could be 900 x 772 or so and smaller. Which seem to work good for the site

Here's one that is 1300 X 866 that loaded fine by using both drag and drop and Insert other media options.

 

54312591-beautiful-sexy-girl-topless-in-

You should be able to go all the way up to wallpaper resolution 2000 x  if you want.

Here's 2000 x 1125

26110.jpg

 
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1 hour ago, fishndude57 said:

WElYRXX.jpg

Fishin Dude,  long time no see!  Glad to see a post.  Folks are getting a bit testy around here,  we need your sunshine. 

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