decafnaetd

Blech... Taxes...

19 posts in this topic

Hey TOB,

My mind is fried doing all this number crunching and I have barely started.  Need some distraction. Anyone have a good joke to share? I need the smile!

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

Have fun with your taxes!

xoxo,

Samantha Sheppard

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There is three pregnant ladies all sitting in the waiting room of the same baby doctor.

The 1st lady says i'm going to have a boy, the other ladies how do you know, she say's cause I was on top.

The 2nd lady says im going to have a girl cause I was on the bottom, and the 3rd lady starts crying, and the gals say whats wrong, the 3rd lady says I'm going to have a puppy

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I love doing taxes.  I put all this krap in an excel spreadsheet and plug in the numbers to see the effects.

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On 1/9/2017 at 2:25 PM, SultryKitten said:

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

 

Have fun with your taxes!

xoxo,

Samantha Sheppard

I have a picture I wish I could post here but it is too big...

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6 hours ago, Milos Vesely said:

I love doing taxes.  I put all this krap in an excel spreadsheet and plug in the numbers to see the effects.

Bless you. This kind of attitude is what really makes America great. Personally, I'm totally bummed that the handy sarcasm emoji is gone. 

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15 hours ago, Milos Vesely said:

I love doing taxes.  I put all this krap in an excel spreadsheet and plug in the numbers to see the effects.

I do them daily all year long as it's my job. Just this time of year it all gets really crazy. Lots of long hours and eventually the numbers just swim all over the screen.

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

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On 1/13/2017 at 0:35 PM, UTF4ME said:

I have a picture I wish I could post here but it is too big...

You can link to it....

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Doubling like Bruce Wayne/Batman as an Accountant/Courtesan for many moons, this is my favorite tax season dirty joke:

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. Accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work, too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” Accountant, “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman exclaims, “I’m a chicken farmer!” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” The woman, “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

Lmao! Hope this helps:D

Tish Thique

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10 hours ago, Tish Thique said:

Doubling like Bruce Wayne/Batman as an Accountant/Courtesan for many moons, this is my favorite tax season dirty joke:

 

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. Accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work, too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” Accountant, “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

 

They both think for a minute, then the woman exclaims, “I’m a chicken farmer!” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” The woman, “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

 

Lmao! Hope this helps:D

 

Tish Thique

 

I just spit out my water! Hahaha!!

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Tish !

That was pretty funny... thanks for starting the week with a laughter !

1hapyfeller ! Cock a dool dool ! (sp)

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22 hours ago, Tish Thique said:

Doubling like Bruce Wayne/Batman as an Accountant/Courtesan for many moons, this is my favorite tax season dirty joke:

Me too! Except I'm less Bruce Wayne/Batman and more Mr Bean/Johnny English.

Oh.. and the courtesan part. :)

Edited by decafnaetd
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1 minute ago, decafnaetd said:

Me too! Except I'm less Bruce Wayne/Batman and more Mr Bean/Johnny English.

Too funny!

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On 1/9/2017 at 2:18 PM, decafnaetd said:

Hey TOB,

My mind is fried doing all this number crunching and I have barely started.  Need some distraction. Anyone have a good joke to share? I need the smile!

A guy is sitting at the corner seat at his favorite watering hole, a sports bar, when in walks a buxom redhead who proceeds to sit down in the seat next to his. "what's your name?" asks the man. "My name is Carmen" she says. "What a lovely name" says the man. "Thank you, I named myself from two of my favorite things...cars and men" says the redhead. "And what is your name fine sir?" she asks.

After thinking for about a half second the man takes a drink from his glass and says two words..."Beer Fuck"

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When is it okay to punch a midget?

If he's standing next to your wife for a bit then looks up at her and says "your hair smells nice!"

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Old Man:  "Hey Buddy, I'm getting married to Louise tomorrow!"

Buddy:  "But you're pushing 80 and she's only 18."

Old Man: "Yep, 18 "

Buddy:  "That's like tempting fate isn't it?  What is going to happen on the honeymoon?"

Old Man:  "Oh, I see what you mean, the strain.  I hadn't looked at like that.  We'll just have to hope she's strong enough."

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