BadBoy

Nasty, disgusting, sexist jokes - got any?OK

96 posts in this topic

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Barman says "Sorry we don't serve pigs in here," The lady says "It's not a pig it's a duck" The barman says "I am talking to the duck." 

 

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A woman went to the doctor's office with chronic hiccups. She was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor 

told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the hallway screaming. 

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. He then marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. 

 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant

?!!" 

 

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"  ...

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Who's the biggest prostitute in history?
- Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that slut swallowed balls till she died!

Why do prostitutes always make more money than drug dealers?
- Because they can wash their crack and use it again!

Why are 60% of all men unable to sleep after sex?
- Because they're going home!

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A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him habitually.

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So this rich old aristocrat had a fantasy of marrying a virgin, so he persuades a farmer in his town to let him take care of his young daughter until she turns 16 so that they can be married.  The aristocrat promises the farmer that he will send the daughter to the best private girl's school, located in a monastery, so that she could both get a great education, and remain a virgin.  The father, seeing a wonderful future for his daughter, agrees, and the young girl goes to school in the monastery until she turns 16.  On her birthday the aristocrat pays the father a handsome dowry, takes her back to his castle, throws a lavish wedding, and marries the young girl before the entire village.

That night, they go to bed together, and when ready to consummate the marriage, the ecstatic aristocrat reaches for some lubricant.  The young girl asks, "what is that for?" and the aristocrat says, "it is a lubricant, it will make it easier for my member to slide inside your tiny vagina."

She answers, "why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

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http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/the-olympia-restaurant-cheeseburger-chips-and-pepsi/3506023?snl=1

I was in love with this show growing up! Forgive me for my nasty joke! Hahaha only CHIPS AND no...shhh

😳😱😂Pepsi!

Edited by Kali Sensual Reiki
Pepsi!
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two guys are walking down the street one day and see a dog licking himself...

first guy sez to the second guy:  wish i could do that!

second guy sez:  don't you think you better pet him first?

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You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals, So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...

PH8OL2A.jpg?1

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One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 

"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," Shane commented. 

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?" 

Shane thought for a moment and said, "How do you play WHO AM I?" 

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." 

The mailman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it." 

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded, "Your name came up 7 times." ...

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Men are like floor tile / lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for years😉

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Ouch. Sounds like my first marriage. Where fishndude when I need him 

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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, at Bar Harbor, Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, "some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." 

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's dead body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters, that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Have not seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what is the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

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3 hours ago, CandiO said:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, at Bar Harbor, Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, "some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." 

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's dead body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters, that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Have not seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what is the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

LMFAO! That's just awful! :lol:

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One Liners

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone? A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men. A: Their heels.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds? A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having affairs with men.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head? A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store? A: They are both $.10 a screw!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme!

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator? A: The blonde works in the dark!

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings? A: To put their feet through.

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche? A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"? A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sunroofs? A: More legroom!

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet!

Q: What do blondes and cow-patties have in common? A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: Why couldn't the blond get the calendar to stay up? A: Because it wasn't a dick.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde? A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked down the marriage aisle? A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel? A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"? A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York? A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: How do blondes play Russian Roulette? A: They jack six dicks until one gets a facial.

Q: What did Charleston Heston do when he met a blonde with a gun? A: Ben Hur-Over.

Q: What's the difference in between a light bulb and a blonde? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: Why do blondes love Wednesday? A: Because its Hump Day.

Q: What did the blonde say to her legs? A: Man we can make a lot of money between us.

Q: Whats the Difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: One stops sucking when you smack it.

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a mouthful.

Q: What does a blonde say after she has sex several times in the same night? A: Way to go team!  

Q: How do you teach a blonde math?  A: Bend her over and give her a square root.

A girl asks her blonde friend: 'Do you smoke after you've had sex?' Her friend: 'I wouldn't know! I've never looked!' 

xoxo,

Samantha Sheppard

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34 minutes ago, SultryKitten said:

One Liners

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides...

A girl asks her blonde friend: 'Do you smoke after you've had sex?' Her friend: 'I wouldn't know! I've never looked!' 

xoxo,

Samantha Sheppard

Q:  Do you know who writes all these "blonde jokes"?

A.  All the brunettes sitting around alone on Friday and Saturday night.

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51 minutes ago, BadBoy said:

Q:  Do you know who writes all these "blonde jokes"?

A.  All the brunettes sitting around alone on Friday and Saturday night.

Who says I am alone?! 😉 Rosita, PinkyD, and I are offended!

Xoxo,

Samantha Sheppard

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Female brain cell:
 
 ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A female brain cell which, by mistake,
happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but
it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried
a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away .

"Hello - we're all down here...."

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A guy and his new girlfriend were going to have sex for the first time...and were getting undressed.

she looked him up and down and then said "who do you expect to satisfy with that?"

he just grinned and said "me!"

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What is the difference between a Nun and a woman in the bathtub?  The Nun has hope in her soul.

What is the difference between a hooker with dysentery and an oysterman with epilepsy?  The oysterman shucks between fits.

:rolleyes:

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 An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very
 sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
 
 A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
 find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he
 immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything
 like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two
 days for the results.
 
 The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says "I've got bad
 news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
 unheard of here. We know very little about it."
 
 The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
 something and fix me up, doc."
 
 The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
 have to amputate your penis."
 
 The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
 
 The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but
 surgery is your only choice."
 
 The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
 know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
 proclaims "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
 
 The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
 can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
 
 The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta,
 always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
 
 "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
 
 "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall
 off by itself! You save money".

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A few more gems:

What's the difference between a blonde and a hotdog bun?  You can only fit one wiener in a hotdog bun.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?  None, they'd rather screw in a dirty sleeping bag.

A beautiful woman says to me, "give me 12 inches and make it hurt", so I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face.

What's the difference between jam and jelly?  I can't jelly my cock in your ass;)

 

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A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00. 

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off colorful remarks that may offend some people." 

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam". 

"That's not so bad," she thought. 

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." 

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either. 

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. 

The parrot again spoke out... 

This time it said, "Hi Ray!" 

The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.

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A ventriloquist's car broke down in front of a farmer's home, and the ventriloquist asked if he could stay the night.  The farmer, a friendly type, said sure, and offered to show the ventriloquist around the farm, to which he agreed.

As they walked past the farm animals, the ventriloquist thought he would have some fun, so he asked the horse, "How to you like it here?"  He then threw his voice so that it looked just like the horse replied, "Well, it's pretty good, but the farmer doesn't feed me enough oats."

The farmer looked astonished, and cast his eyes down and said, "It's true, money has been tight."

The ventriloquist then went up to the cow and asked the cow, "Is the farmer a good owner?"  The cow then appeared to answer in a most cow-like voice, "Yes, but he never warms his hands up before milking me."  The ventriloquist was beside himself, almost couldn't keep a straight face or stop from laughing.

The farmer again looked away and said, "Sometimes when it's cold, you just don't have time."

The ventriloquist then went up to the ewe (female sheep) and asked, "How does the farmer treat you?"  Just as he was starting to throw his voice to the sheep, the farmer cut him off by loudly exclaiming:  "Don't listen to the sheep, she's a damned liar!"

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Tom had been in the hustle and bustle of the business world for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks . Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming upto the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Only gonna be the two of us."

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