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Sexual Joke of the Weekend:

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Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don?t fix it the food will go bad," Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don?t think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it?s out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don?t think so," Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it." Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don?t think so." Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road. After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home. He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed. He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed. He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this." She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch." A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment." He said "I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him." Paul says, Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker, I don?t think so!"

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What do a Timex watch & an Elaphant have in common?

 

 

 

 

They both cum in quartz

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50 Short Dirty Jokes

1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
2. How is a woman like a road?
They both have manholes.
3. Why are men like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
4. What type of bird gives the best head?
A swallow.
5. What’s better than a cold Bud?
A warm bush.
6. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.
7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?
Apologize and wipe it off.
8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
9. How are gay people like mice?
They both hate pussies.
10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks.
12. What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip-off.
13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?
They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?
If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.
15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?
How come we spend so little time together?
16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?
Tug-of-whore.
17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?
She just couldn’t take it any longer.
18. Why don’t little girls fart?
They don’t get assholes til they’re married.
19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?
An aunt-eater.
20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?
Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.
21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?
A faux-pair.
22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
23. What do women and noodles have in common?
Both wiggle when you eat them.
24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?
A white Christmas.
25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.
26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?
Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?
28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.
30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?
“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”
31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?
A head hunter.
34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
35. Why did the semen cross the road?
Because you wore the wrong socks today.
36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?
He could see the snowblower coming.
37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?
Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.
38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.
39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?
“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”
40. How are women like linoleum floors?
If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.
41. What’s the square root of 69?
Ate something.
42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her.
44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.
45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?
A dictator.
46. Why did Hey Zues die a virgin?
Every single “wound” he touched closed up.
47. How is life like toilet paper?
You’re eiiher on a roll or taking shit from someone.
48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?
“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?
She’s got small tits.
50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?
Never-mind. It’s too long.

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This is NOT a good thread :(

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Ha!Ha! Much better!!!!!

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Whats the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber...

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9 hours ago, fishndude57 said:

Saw this on Twitter:

nlznnq.jpg

 

 

That's why I carry such a small gun, to make up for my enormous penis...

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Disclaimer:

In the past, just like a doctor, I always warned my lovers that before making love to them that they would feel a little prick. 

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