How honest is "too honest"?

[Lovely_Leigh]

Never thought I would be worried about being "too honest" with someone outside the hobby regarding the hobby but here I am. For those of you who have/had an SO outside of the hobby, what info do you share? For those gents who have dated ASP's what was "too much"? I don't think I ever have to worry about verbal diarrhea when it comes to the hobby and outsiders but I'd like some personal experience from the group.

[Bigguy]

Just like fight club.

[Paul Pudenda]

Outsiders don't get it. Best not to bring it up.

[Guest hgritstoo]

Me sharing: I love my work and tend to want to talk about.....and have caught myself doing so in session a few times. Had to stop myself. When you see the providers brain trying to escape through one of her ears....time to shut up.

Them sharing: You ladies fascinate me and I like hearing just about anything about you. But if you have problems I can't help you with......you probably shouldn't share. I will feel bad for you and fret......and that is not the reason I came.

[Bit Banger]

Me sharing: I love my work and tend to want to talk about.....and have caught myself doing so in session a few times. Had to stop myself. When you see the providers brain trying to escape through one of her ears....time to shut up.

Been there, done that.

Them sharing: You ladies fascinate me and I like hearing just about anything about you. But if you have problems I can't help you with......you probably shouldn't share. I will feel bad for you and fret......and that is not the reason I came.

At first I agreed with you, especially the 'feel bad & fret' part. But then I got to thinking, "If they don't tell you how do they know you can't help?" Besides, just talking about one's problems often helps lift the burden. I've had several YL help in that way recently (they know who they are) - no they can't solve my problems - nobody can, but they help me set the problems aside for a while.

But the real bottom line is that people outside of our little world don't have a clue what goes on inside. The picture painted by the righteous is nasty & dirty. If you try to present a cleaner image, you get smeared with the filth in their mind.

[Velvet Valentine]

Leigh.I can only speak for myself. Everyone is different.

I always tell the person I'm dating the truth. ALWAYS. I'd rather be truthful , even when it hurts. Good relationships are based on truth. If you are looking to just date, that's one thing. If you want love, you need to be honest, but don't rub it in. There is a difference between being honest and rubbing it in.

Especially If I care alot about that person. Then truth is vital. HOWEVER, I'm going to put my time with that person first. I'm not going to sit and discuss escorting with them, when I can just be me focusing on him. And I don't answer my phone or discuss it when I'm with someone I love. He is first always. But that's me, and I'm quitting for my guy when he tells me that he loves me back. That's easy for me to say though, because I have a real job as well. For me, escorting does not make up my whole life or define who I am as a person. Everyone is different.

Sure, if he asks me about it, and he wants to know something, Ill be totally honest, but I'm not going to talk about it or throw it in their face.

For someone in the real world, it's a lot to take in. And it takes a special man to accept what you do/did and respect you and treat you like a real normal person.....so no, I would'nt be talking about it, unless they ask. Men from the normal world, whom you are in a relationship with, generally don't wanna know unless they have been in this world and it turns them on....which is also rare. And I don't think a hobbiest is going to answer this the same as a guy who has never seen a provider in his life. Just saying' Good luck.

[Guest]

Good relationships are based on truth.

This.

[Happymon]

In the words of Ludwig Mies van de Rohe, "less is more."

[Lovely_Leigh]

Leigh.I can only speak for myself. Everyone is different.

I always tell the person I'm dating the truth. ALWAYS. I'd rather be truthful , even when it hurts. Good relationships are based on truth. If you are looking to just date, that's one thing. If you want love, you need to be honest, but don't rub it in. There is a difference between being honest and rubbing it in.

Especially If I care alot about that person. Then truth is vital. HOWEVER, I'm going to put my time with that person first. I'm not going to sit and discuss escorting with them, when I can just be me focusing on him. And I don't answer my phone or discuss it when I'm with someone I love. He is first always. But that's me, and I'm quitting for my guy when he tells me that he loves me back. That's easy for me to say though, because I have a real job as well. For me, escorting does not make up my whole life or define who I am as a person. Everyone is different.

Sure, if he asks me about it, and he wants to know something, Ill be totally honest, but I'm not going to talk about it or throw it in their face.

For someone in the real world, it's a lot to take in. And it takes a special man to accept what you do/did and respect you and treat you like a real normal person.....so no, I would'nt be talking about it, unless they ask. Men from the normal world, whom you are in a relationship with, generally don't wanna know unless they have been in this world and it turns them on....which is also rare. And I don't think a hobbiest is going to answer this the same as a guy who has never seen a provider in his life. Just saying' Good luck.

We don't talk about it but I like being prepared, even of it's mental preparation. I am beyond a private person (shocker!) and my natural inclination is to lie mostly for reasons of self preservation. I don't want him knowing too much in case it ends badly (totally a possibility) but I also want to answer questions honestly. I decided if it's something that isn't relevant (such as working name, logistical questions, places I advertise, ect) I'll simply tell him I'm not comfortable talking about it. He has only asked if I gave him my real number or my work number. I told him I don't have a work phone and he was a little baffled but didn't ask a follow up question. I am shocked at how he doesn't really care. It's not novel nor intriguing. He basically said its my business and he doesn't care as long as I'm safe. I debated posting this on the EOB but I figured maybe some gent had first hand experience. Maybe someone will.

[Lucy Kitten]

There is the common belief/stereotype that people outside this "world" don't understand, but that is not true. It might be harder to seek out but all of us that joined this "world" were part of the normal world before we found ourselves here, so we know it is not impossible that people with such understanding exist.

Velvet is correct that the foundation for any solid relationship starts with honesty and it's very good friend trust. I do believe however that there are degrees of honesty and those that deserve the truth and those that don't at certain times. Casual dating is an example of when not to be too honest, when you want to start having sexy and start getting those icky love feelings then it is time to share.

I met my SO through this business, he would be considered by most to be mostly an outsider he is not active in the hobby, has never written a review or joined in any of the reindeer games and is pretty naive at times about the business. I tell him what ever he wants to know and I share anything I feel he might find important. Constant honest communication is the only way our relationship works. He is not really a jealous guy at all, deep down I think it does bother him because he is truly monogamous, but he likes to know what is going on in my world. He likes to know that I am safe and that I am seeing respectable people. The most important thing is that I don't intentionally keep anything from him, he really does not care for the withholding of information. The act of keeping the information from him usually upsets him more than anything I could have shared with him.

It will always boil down the individuals involved. What your boundaries and comfort levels are will be decided between the two in the relationship. If a guy is not really interested in talking and sharing what you do for a living I would say they are not wholly comfortable and not communicating with you that what you do bothers them. However anyone who is willing to listen to the verbal diarrhea and then wipe your mouth off and kiss you is indeed a keeper. I think the best relationships are those where you have no fear of expressing any part of yourself freely, where you can say what you want without fear of being too honest.

[Lucy Kitten]

We don't talk about it but I like being prepared, even of it's mental preparation. I am beyond a private person (shocker!) and my natural inclination is to lie mostly for reasons of self preservation. I don't want him knowing too much in case it ends badly (totally a possibility) but I also want to answer questions honestly. I decided if it's something that isn't relevant (such as working name, logistical questions, places I advertise, ect) I'll simply tell him I'm not comfortable talking about it. He has only asked if I gave him my real number or my work number. I told him I don't have a work phone and he was a little baffled but didn't ask a follow up question. I am shocked at how he doesn't really care. It's not novel nor intriguing. He basically said its my business and he doesn't care as long as I'm safe. I debated posting this on the EOB but I figured maybe some gent had first hand experience. Maybe someone will.

Being a provider does not define a woman by any means but it is a facet of who you are. I find anyone who doesn't care about it ro be a little baffling. I get not caring because there is no judgement as long as there is still some communication.

I do understand wanting to be private, but relationships have to build on trust. If you can't trust someone with your information they how can they trust you? It also goes both ways, he has to gain trust as well.

There is no reason to share specifics as long as it does not obscure the truth and the ability to build trust between two people. As relationships grow so do boundaries but you can't have a relationship unless both sides are wholly accepting of one another.

[gr8owl]

Leigh.I can only speak for myself. Everyone is different.

I always tell the person I'm dating the truth. ALWAYS. I'd rather be truthful , even when it hurts. Good relationships are based on truth. If you are looking to just date, that's one thing. If you want love, you need to be honest, but don't rub it in. There is a difference between being honest and rubbing it in.

Especially If I care alot about that person. Then truth is vital. HOWEVER, I'm going to put my time with that person first. I'm not going to sit and discuss escorting with them, when I can just be me focusing on him. And I don't answer my phone or discuss it when I'm with someone I love. He is first always. But that's me, and I'm quitting for my guy when he tells me that he loves me back. That's easy for me to say though, because I have a real job as well. For me, escorting does not make up my whole life or define who I am as a person. Everyone is different.

Sure, if he asks me about it, and he wants to know something, Ill be totally honest, but I'm not going to talk about it or throw it in their face.

For someone in the real world, it's a lot to take in. And it takes a special man to accept what you do/did and respect you and treat you like a real normal person.....so no, I would'nt be talking about it, unless they ask. Men from the normal world, whom you are in a relationship with, generally don't wanna know unless they have been in this world and it turns them on....which is also rare. And I don't think a hobbiest is going to answer this the same as a guy who has never seen a provider in his life. Just saying' Good luck.

Very well said Velvet! The whole thing, especially highlites.

Any guy wants two things stroked – the other and maybe most important is his ego. I know I am not the biggest, best, longest lasting, most exciting, best looking blah, blah. Logically, I also know I’m not the smallest, worst, etc. If you can make me feel like the first and avoid making me feel like the second, I’m all yours. Every guy wants to feel special. If you are not spending the night with, having sex with, etc. ANY other guy it is pretty easy to make your guy feel special – “hey, I don’t do any of that with anyone else.” If you are doing all the above with other guys – especially lots of other guys, call it work or no – then your challenge is to find some other way to make him feel special. Yes, there is a large percentage of guys that will run for the hills if you tell them what you do/did. But there are a lot of us that won’t. Those of us that won’t will still bolt for the door if you don’t make us feel special and if you do rub our nose in the fact that you have had better, seen cuter, blah, blah. Your guy comes first – ok to cancel a work appointment to do something with him, NOT ok to cancel a date with him to see a client. Just but one example.

So Leigh, if it is love you are trying to have/give be honest. If he is worth having he will stick around, if not it is a good filter. But don’t forget to make him feel special. (Separate chapter, for god sake man, make HER feel special too!!!) For some that MAY mean having to quit the business. Makes it a lot easier to quit, but some can deal just fine if they/SO stay in business, and bless those that can. Good luck.

[Guest Jake]

I don't think anyone on this board or anywhere else can answer this for you. This is between you and him. Tell him what you feel comfortable telling him...he's either ok with it....or he isn't. But if you can't be yourself...how will you be happy in this relationship?

As far as testing the waters with him...mistakes will be made. Good relationships usually have a foundation built on the ability to work through mistakes.

Never thought I would be worried about being "too honest" with someone outside the hobby regarding the hobby but here I am. For those of you who have/had an SO outside of the hobby, what info do you share? For those gents who have dated ASP's what was "too much"? I don't think I ever have to worry about verbal diarrhea when it comes to the hobby and outsiders but I'd like some personal experience from the group.

[2Big]

This was just recently beaten to death here. No need to start another thread.

http://www.theotherboard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33945

[Lovely_Leigh]

This was just recently beaten to death here. No need to start another thread.

http://www.theotherboard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=33945

I know you're all about overseas hobbying and not American slappers such as myself but contact me for a free overnight. I'd love nothing more than to have an extended "Craigslist casual connections" hookup with a gem of your caliber.

[lola]

i think that just moved you to no. 1.

[Velvet Valentine]

Very well said Velvet! The whole thing, especially highlites.

Any guy wants two things stroked – the other and maybe most important is his ego. I know I am not the biggest, best, longest lasting, most exciting, best looking blah, blah. Logically, I also know I’m not the smallest, worst, etc. If you can make me feel like the first and avoid making me feel like the second, I’m all yours. Every guy wants to feel special. If you are not spending the night with, having sex with, etc. ANY other guy it is pretty easy to make your guy feel special – “hey, I don’t do any of that with anyone else.” If you are doing all the above with other guys – especially lots of other guys, call it work or no – then your challenge is to find some other way to make him feel special. Yes, there is a large percentage of guys that will run for the hills if you tell them what you do/did. But there are a lot of us that won’t. Those of us that won’t will still bolt for the door if you don’t make us feel special and if you do rub our nose in the fact that you have had better, seen cuter, blah, blah. Your guy comes first – ok to cancel a work appointment to do something with him, NOT ok to cancel a date with him to see a client. Just but one example.

So Leigh, if it is love you are trying to have/give be honest. If he is worth having he will stick around, if not it is a good filter. But don’t forget to make him feel special. (Separate chapter, for god sake man, make HER feel special too!!!) For some that MAY mean having to quit the business. Makes it a lot easier to quit, but some can deal just fine if they/SO stay in business, and bless those that can. Good luck.

Exactly!!

[Guest hgritstoo]

Been there, done that.

At first I agreed with you, especially the 'feel bad & fret' part. But then I got to thinking, "If they don't tell you how do they know you can't help?" Besides, just talking about one's problems often helps lift the burden. I've had several YL help in that way recently (they know who they are) - no they can't solve my problems - nobody can, but they help me set the problems aside for a while.

But the real bottom line is that people outside of our little world don't have a clue what goes on inside. The picture painted by the righteous is nasty & dirty. If you try to present a cleaner image, you get smeared with the filth in their mind.

You expressed this very well. After reading this, and Velvet's speech about 'the truth', I went back to what I wrote and decided it was selfish.

When someone is trying to be honest with you, they deserve to have the entire truth listened to even if it makes you uncomfortable. Someone speaking from their heart should be heard.

Edited December 30, 2012 by hgritstoo
Speeling

[Bit Banger]

... So Leigh, if it is love you are trying to have/give be honest. If he is worth having he will stick around, if not it is a good filter. But don’t forget to make him feel special. (Separate chapter, for god sake man, make HER feel special too!!!) For some that MAY mean having to quit the business. Makes it a lot easier to quit, but some can deal just fine if they/SO stay in business, and bless those that can. Good luck.

Well put! Yes, knowledge of what you do is a good filter. I especially liked the highlighted part directed to him.

... Your guy comes first – ok to cancel a work appointment to do something with him, NOT ok to cancel a date with him to see a client. Just but one example.

My only quibble is with this part. It's also a two-way street. Should he break business appointments to spend time with her? Not if he wants to retain his job! The same applies to her job; if she makes an appointment, she needs to keep it. But one advantage of being a free-lance consultant is the ability to schedule around important events in life.

[Audrey Astor]

For myself, I have to be honest about what I do. And yes, the majority of men looking for the "one", are not looking for their "one" to escort for their job. So... that is difficult. I can lead a double life, but not with the person that I am in an intimate relationship with. I think part of the answer you are looking for Leigh is how to much to tell. Right? I think they want to hear, about whether we had a good day, what kind of hours we expect to work for this week etc. They don't want to hear details about appointments, experiences etc. At least,that has been my experience. You are sweet and smart though, so I'm sure you will figure it all out.

[Bit Banger]

... I can lead a double life, but not with the person that I am in an intimate relationship with. ...

This is perhaps the real crux of the matter.

When you get into an intimate relationship, both partners should know.

When you're not in an intimate relationship, folks don't really need to know.

The issue we're struggling to define is the transition point.

[Lovely_Leigh]

Well put! Yes, knowledge of what you do is a good filter. I especially liked the highlighted part directed to him.

My only quibble is with this part. It's also a two-way street. Should he break business appointments to spend time with her? Not if he wants to retain his job! The same applies to her job; if she makes an appointment, she needs to keep it. But one advantage of being a free-lance consultant is the ability to schedule around important events in life.

Agreed! If someone wanted to take me to the Bahamas for 5k for the weekend but I was suppose to see a movie with my SO, I would pack my bags faster than you could say "pack your bags". Here's the shocker: he would understand cause it's my job. I wouldn't look at it differently than if we had plans and he had to work for some unknown reason. If I cancel something in my personal life there's a good reason. If he doesn't understand living expenses and how we exist in an economy that runs on money and not unicorns and rainbows then we don't need to be together. He's not the guy for me.

[Lovely_Leigh]

I think part of the answer you are looking for Leigh is how to much to tell. Right? I think they want to hear, about whether we had a good day, what kind of hours we expect to work for this week etc. They don't want to hear details about appointments, experiences etc. At least,that has been my experience. You are sweet and smart though, so I'm sure you will figure it all out.

Thanks Holly and you're spot on. He's not a virgin and knows an escort has sex so I don't feel the need to tell particulars. I have divulged several interesting sexual experiences and he asked if they were professional or personal. I was a kinky little slut long before I got "bit by the entrepreneurial bug". Surprisingly, "Leigh" is a little less of a freak.

[Bit Banger]

Agreed! If someone wanted to take me to the Bahamas for 5k for the weekend but I was suppose to see a movie with my SO, I would pack my bags faster than you could say "pack your bags". Here's the shocker: he would understand cause it's my job. I wouldn't look at it differently than if we had plans and he had to work for some unknown reason. If I cancel something in my personal life there's a good reason. If he doesn't understand living expenses and how we exist in an economy that runs on money and not unicorns and rainbows then we don't need to be together. He's not the guy for me.

If I were your SO and we had a date(appointment), I would expect you to discuss the situation BEFORE you accepted that trip to the Bahamas or any conflicting appointment. A no-show would upset me; even if you told me before you left. Too many, or even a few NCNS, and I wouldn't be your SO anymore.

Granted, if our date was just dinner & a movie - I'd probably say "Go for it!" when we talked. On the other hand if our date included $100+ concert tickets ???

If our plans were nothing in particular, just hang like we do most weekends, then pack your bags and leave me a note. I'll see you when you get back.

By the same token, if my employer caused me to miss too many dates, I'd be having a discussion with my boss & HR about scheduled on-call hours & compensation.

My position has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the disruption of an orderly life.

[Lucy Kitten]

Agreed! If someone wanted to take me to the Bahamas for 5k for the weekend but I was suppose to see a movie with my SO, I would pack my bags faster than you could say "pack your bags". Here's the shocker: he would understand cause it's my job. I wouldn't look at it differently than if we had plans and he had to work for some unknown reason. If I cancel something in my personal life there's a good reason. If he doesn't understand living expenses and how we exist in an economy that runs on money and not unicorns and rainbows then we don't need to be together. He's not the guy for me.

Ideally yes, this works. The reality is that there really is nothing that will be the truth for you until you determine these boundaries for yourself with your partner. Cancelling on your partner contradicts making them feel like the most important man in your life. Money is money and we should embrace the way choose to make it but it is a slippery slope when it comes to dating.

The majority of working people have somewhat of a regular schedule, I have found that because of the flexibility of being a provider it is easier to schedule around my partners schedule. Then there never really is a reason to have to cancel anything unless it is absolutely necessary or an offer too good refuse.

[Bit Banger]

...

The majority of working people have somewhat of a regular schedule, I have found that because of the flexibility of being a provider it is easier to schedule around my partners schedule. Then there never really is a reason to have to cancel anything unless it is absolutely necessary or an offer too good refuse.

Excellent!

[Lovely_Leigh]

If I were your SO and we had a date(appointment), I would expect you to discuss the situation BEFORE you accepted that trip to the Bahamas or any conflicting appointment. A no-show would upset me; even if you told me before you left. Too many, or even a few NCNS, and I wouldn't be your SO anymore.

Granted, if our date was just dinner & a movie - I'd probably say "Go for it!" when we talked. On the other hand if our date included $100+ concert tickets ???

If our plans were nothing in particular, just hang like we do most weekends, then pack your bags and leave me a note. I'll see you when you get back.

By the same token, if my employer caused me to miss too many dates, I'd be having a discussion with my boss & HR about scheduled on-call hours & compensation.

My position has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the disruption of an orderly life.

In my world 5k overnights don't happen out of the blue so it would be a rarity. If he had concert tickets or something along those lines I'd apologize and make it right. I wouldn't cancel on him unless it was a Godfather type offer (one I couldn't refuse). Things rarely come up in this line of work. That's the beauty of this job.

[Bit Banger]

In my world 5k overnights don't happen out of the blue so it would be a rarity...

I understand that - and so should he! I just said that if you had something firmly planned, you should check with him before accepting the $5K date. If I were booking that kind of "session" I would not be offended with a "Let me check my calendar. I'll get back to you tomorrow." response. I realize that there are limits to 'make your fella first' and that special job opportunities don't grow on trees. But as you become a couple instead of two people dating, more & more of your lives become joint decisions. This applies to him, too. How would you feel if he announced that he just got a 20% raise, but the job's in Youngstown, OH or Wray, CO?

[Lovely_Leigh]

I understand that - and so should he! I just said that if you had something firmly planned, you should check with him before accepting the $5K date. If I were booking that kind of "session" I would not be offended with a "Let me check my calendar. I'll get back to you tomorrow." response. I realize that there are limits to 'make your fella first' and that special job opportunities don't grow on trees. But as you become a couple instead of two people dating, more & more of your lives become joint decisions. This applies to him, too. How would you feel if he announced that he just got a 20% raise, but the job's in Youngstown, OH or Wray, CO?

And this is where independent (and newly single) Leigh says "Bye and hope you like wherever".

[Bit Banger]

And this is where independent (and newly single) Leigh says "Bye and hope you like wherever".

My point, exactly!

To reiterate -

But as you become a couple ... your lives become joint decisions. .