Dating

[Guest Adelle Ashby]

When should I come clean to a guy that I am escort? First date, second? Or should I just put in my profile on the dating website? I am worried that it will attract all the wrong men. I'm starting to get lonely at nights and when I go out, so I figure after being single for a few years now, it's time to jump on the horse again. It scares the shit out of me.

Advise? I don't know how to even put it delicately without scaring anyone off. Or should I just keep it a secret and retire when I enter the working world?

[pitbull]

I think that 90% of men would run screaming if you told them you were an escort and/or you would attract the "wrong kind" of guy. I don't think the profession is compatible with a "normal" relationship.

Leaving the profession and getting a "regular" job would seem to be the solution if you found someone you truly loved and cherished.

Then again, I have read TOB posts where one man described dropping off his girlfriend at the hotel where she plied her trade. Certainly there are open-minded men out there, but I think they are in that 10%.

As for being lonely at night, that's a situation that affects many married men (including me) in so-called "normal" marriages. I wish you luck.

[boink36]

When should I come clean to a guy that I am escort? First date, second? Or should I just put in my profile on the dating website? I am worried that it will attract all the wrong men. I'm starting to get lonely at nights and when I go out, so I figure after being single for a few years now, it's time to jump on the horse again. It scares the shit out of me.

Advise? I don't know how to even put it delicately without scaring anyone off. Or should I just keep it a secret and retire when I enter the working world?

Honesty right from the start is the best way to begin relationship.

[Guest]

Do what's right for you, but I highly suggest not lying, but that's just me. This post kinda comes off like a dating ad IMO. Kinda like you're letting these guys know that you're looking. Not saying there's anything wrong with that. Just saying what I think.

[Songdog57]

Tough call.

Maybe you could keep it to yourself until the relationship was far enough along for it to become his business, if it ever reaches that point at all. I'm not doubting your ability to maintain a relationship. I'm saying that just because there is a mutual atrraction doesn't mean you have to explain yourself to him.

Just a thought.

[angela aspen]

Haha!

Yes, Attract the Wrong kind of Men for Sure! My dating profile started with " I have left the Adult Biz and want to be normal..." Email box flooded with EVERY social and economic class. I thought" Hey this is new!" So I set foot out into the dating world. Getting plenty of sex 9 to 5 job... I never had sex with a one. But I was out for an emotional adventure.

I had lunch dates, Happy Hour dates.. Dinner Dates.. every interview.. my past was more than they could handle or enamoured fan boys with tons of porn questions. After 4 dates a day.. squeezing in clients or bout to see clients.. I couldn't take it.

I remember crying in the shower wondering what lie to tell. I would lay in bed coming up with lies. But sadly, alcohol is My Truth Serum. Header went to " L.A. Party planner has sown the Last Wild Oats". Lies.

Every guy had tons of kids and was done. Then I dated younger.. but they had no desire to grow up. I freaked at reality... its one thing to bed THESE kinda guys for 6 years but I never thought of life beyond an hour! Life beyond an hour glass felt like life's glass was empty. That was a year ago.. 2 years ago? I have not tried since.

I have learned the kind of guy I want does not want a porn star/ sex worker. With that said, I know I need to be 100% out before I meet MY Mr. Right.

Lonely? I play house with a strip club owner that has known me since the start.. twice a month, I dress up.. movies, dinner, fucking, lay in bed for about 7 minutes.. and we both pretend. If we didn't have each other.. I have thought about joining my favorite swingers site for a swinger.

I dont have the One Size Fits All Answers.. but.. I have Been There, Bought The T-Shirt.

xo- Angela Aspen

[parkercole]

from the very beginning! the majority of people in the other world don't understand ours!

damn are you available adelle? kidding!

[Bit Banger]

#1 - Don't lie, about anything. Answer direct questions truthfully. But there's nothing that says you have to admit anything until you're ready.

#2 - When the dating relationship matures to the point where both of you want to get intimate (sexual), it's time to put on the breaks and say, "We need to discuss something."

You don't really have to tell him you're an escort, but you do need to have a discussion about his & your expectations regarding monogamy and sexual fidelity. If his expectations are monogamy, you may have a problem. Let him decide if he wants to continue with the relationship, before you "do the deed" on your next date.

#3 - If when you tell him, if you include "I'll quit." you'd better mean it! (See #1) If you're not prepared to quit, let him know that too.

#4 - Even if you retire before you get to #3, pass through #2. I realize that this isn't the 50's and that you aren't going to be blushing teens, but you might consider telling him of your past if you want this to be a serious LTR.

#5 - Pitbull's 10% is probably high. There are guys out there who are fine with it; a few even inhabit this board. He may be fine with it for a while; and then change his views. As others have said, communication is key!

#7 - The other question is how do you feel about it. Could he see escorts? Will you feel special in his arms? How will you feel if you do quit? Will you miss the __whatever__ ?

#7 - I empathize with your plight. As Pitbull said, even married folk get the lonelies.

[Guest Adelle Ashby]

Do what's right for you, but I highly suggest not lying, but that's just me. This post kinda comes off like a dating ad IMO. Kinda like you're letting these guys know that you're looking. Not saying there's anything wrong with that. Just saying what I think.

I tried dating a hobbyist and it didn't work out, that wasn't my intention at all. I feel I have better chances at love, off of this forum FYI.

[Lucy Kitten]

I don't know that I would tell anyone right away. Telling someone that you are and escort usually in return gets a snap judgement.

I feel that there are varying degrees of honesty. There are people and certain times that you will encounter where the truth isn't needed or deserved. A first date might not be the best time to disclose what you do, on a first date there is a chance that you may never see that person again because you just didn't click so do you owe it to tell them the truth about what you do? I don't think so. I think you owe the truth when a relationship begins to progress and move to a more intimate level.

[Lucy Kitten]

from the very beginning! the majority of people in the other world don't understand ours!

damn are you available adelle? kidding!

The difference between worlds? What worlds? The more we want to separate ourselves and create our own worlds the more disillusioned we become with reality.

[Bit Banger]

... I think you owe the truth when a relationship begins to progress and move to a more intimate level.

This is key. If you're just looking for a one-night-stand, don't bother saying anything. Just F*** his brains out. But that's not the drift I got from the OP.

[urfan]

my take is you let him know when you're both ready to make it exclusive and take the cover off

[2Big]

Quit the business, then start dating.

I don't date hookers, so I'd be gone in 15 seconds if a date were to tell me she's a working girl.

If it were a FWB type of thing, I wouldn't care.

[Flanker]

Quit the business, then start dating.

I don't date hookers, so I'd be gone in 15 seconds if a date were to tell me she's a working girl.

If it were a FWB type of thing, I wouldn't care.

Plus +1 here!! Be honest if you want love. Be out of this game. Can't have one foot on each side of the fence if you want full committment and a full time relationship. You are young and beautiful and smart, which is a great start~

[Guest]

I tried dating a hobbyist and it didn't work out, that wasn't my intention at all. I feel I have better chances at love, off of this forum FYI.

Better chances off of this forum? That is a debate for another thread because obviously this world and the civilian world both have pros and cons when it comes to the dating scene. But I would like to point out that one of the pros from dating within this world is that obviously he will already know what you do and you will never even have to cross the bridge that you mention in your original post.

In regards to your original post: it is never good to start ANY relationship with a lie. Say you decide to not tell him until your "third date". How do you think that is going to make him feel? My assumption would be that he will feel like you were hiding it from him and then he will always wonder what you are hiding from him. My thoughts on this issue are simple. If he likes YOU then what you do for work should not be an issue.

The third little tidbit that I would like to throw out there is that you always do have the option of not being in this industry. Obviously only you can decide what is right for you and only you can decide if it would be worth it to you to step away from the industry to date somebody without having to tell them what you do for a living.

My opinion on the matter, and remember it's only worth what you paid for it, if you want to stay in the industry and date at the same time I highly recommend dating a hobbyist (or two:p). Anyways, I know that loneliness can really suck because I have been there. Fortunately for me (after two failed tries) I was able to find a companion within this world to spend my life with. Anything is possible. Keep your options open.

[Lucy Kitten]

Plus +1 here!! Be honest if you want love. Be out of this game. Can't have one foot on each side of the fence if you want full committment and a full time relationship. You are young and beautiful and smart, which is a great start~

That by the way is malarkey. You can have one foot on either side of the fence because said fence is totally made up! You can have full commitment from someone being an escort and it's AWESOME. I will say this until I am blue in the face, being an escort is just a job and it does not define a woman in a relationship no more than a mans job defines who he is.

There may not be a lot of them but there are certainly men out there that are truly not bothered by what you do for a living and that will appreciate you for you. There are also some awesome guys that lurk around in the hobby too, it is how I found mine.

I have an awesome boyfriend, we have really learned how to balance out me being an escort. He is also incredibly understanding with outstanding compartmentalizing skills. We are also lucky in that my escorting is probably one of the least weird things that we do.

In the end just be open and honest with yourself Adelle and don't pass the point of no return with anyone that you might be interested in.

[Nightrain]

When should I come clean to a guy that I am escort? First date, second? Or should I just put in my profile on the dating website? I am worried that it will attract all the wrong men. I'm starting to get lonely at nights and when I go out, so I figure after being single for a few years now, it's time to jump on the horse again. It scares the shit out of me.

Advise? I don't know how to even put it delicately without scaring anyone off. Or should I just keep it a secret and retire when I enter the working world?

Adelle,

Back when I wore a young man's clothes, and was less forgiving (aka dumber), I would've probably bailed if a potential SO told me she is/was a prostitute. Since then, age has forced a certain amount of wisdom on me, and my current position is this:

On the fourth or fifth date, when I start telling you my secrets, is the time to tell me that you are/were an ASP. You'll also need to tell me couple other things: (1) Why you did this. The reason is important to me to accept you as a potential SO. (2) Tell me you've been tested and are disease free.

My 2 cents.

[Doug28]

I think an escort is potentally very lonely.

She can have two appointments everyday and have tons of human contact. Guys will connect with her and think they are in love but she is just doing her job. She gets nothing personal for herself. How long can a women run on emotional empty without an avenue for release.

1) You could pick someone from the hobby that you connect with and have personal time. Choosing someone from the hobby means they will understand your schedule and understand that the relationship is being controlled by you. You get to talk about bad appointments, things that make you sad, things that make you happy, all the things bottled up inside. Sex becomes unguarded and safely intimate. You get to do things with a man nonsexual. Who knows where the relationship goes but you get a personal release. You get to be emotionally normal for a while.

Be careful who you pick and have rules. Be honest with the feelings you have for the hobbiest so he can manage his.

Or

I'm full of shit!

[shane]

My $.02 -- after the 1st successful date when you know something may at least be possible, hint around that you have been with quite a few men?

His reaction will likely tell you something about his reaction to the full facts. The main advantages of doing it that way is that neither of you are very emotionally invested, and that you're not trying to start something potentially very good with a lie.

HellIfIKnow too...

[limey]

Honesty is a rare commodity these days. Look around with a sceptics eye and you may see what I mean. The problem with being totally honest is you could see a lot of heals, literally not personalities.

The problems seems to be where you draw lines. Do you omit here but not there, do you be honest there or maybe not this time. So you have a good intelligent mind and you can probably balance this for a while. The problem is longevity. In any long term relationship, honesty seems to be a paramount attribute. Smart people can get there. Lucky ones can as well. My wish is that you have both and have great success.

[Dimmsdale]

I know I am okay with it, but from a man's point of view I would conceal it and if you fall in love with him then maybe make a lifestyle change or then debate telling the truth at that point. Sounds weird I know but you have to know the person first and all men are different. Some may go running, some may be fine with it, some may not be able to handle what you do. You owe nothing to a first date for sure, as a relationship builds so does trust and love and then is when you should make up your mind.

In short, say nothing at first and make the decision as you go along.

[Dimmsdale]

+1 with urfan

[Dimmsdale]

Screw that, I would date a provider. Of course I'm in love with one currently so maybe I'm bias.

[Sphinx]

...should I just put in my profile on the dating website?

Don't do that. You should keep it to yourself at the start. But as soon as you think you have feelings for someone, you should let them know. Before you have sex with them.

[ctgiver]

Ironically, when I came here in 2008, one of my first posts was about good provider recommendations. I ended up meeting swapping several emails with a long term area ASP. As we emailed back and forth we realized we had a ton in common and began to date. We would see each other every couple of weeks and really got a long well. She would always say, "never fall in love with a hooker". Love no, but I certainly really enjoyed her company both in and out of the bedroom.

The moral to the story is it's always best to tell the truth. This alternative world we live in here can not represent reality, however, there is a lot to learned about human beings here. There is a basic need in life and that is to love the be loved. We all want this unless you are a small majority. I must fall into the 10% category since I would be okay dating and opening up emotionally to a provider. However, I believe the majority of men would not fall into this category. As long as you are truthful to who ever you are talking with then you can have a clear conscious. Agreed with Sphinx on this one. If feelings are starting to develop then it's important to share the details to see where the other person is.

[Guest Gisele Fuller]

Adelle, there really is no right answer to your question as everybody's lives are different, and what happens in them. I can tell you a different story than the other posts on here though...

I met my husband at a meet and greet while in the business. It was during the toughest time of my life, and the funny part is, we were not into each other at the initial meeting. I hired him to do some work for me, and the more we met the closer we became until one fateful night, we got together(bom chicka bow wow) and we have been together ever since.: )

It hasn't been an easy road for us, whether I am in the business or out, but we are in it for the long haul, and I believe that that is what is important. We love each other VERY much, and work hard to maintain that. No, he doesn't always like me working, or the fact some guys try to take advantage, but he is there for me when I get ticked and I am always honest with him over the business. We are in our 8 years of being together, and I am glad that that man still puts up with me.

My advice, just have fun getting out there again and dating. I see too many people get too serious about it, and they fail or get discouraged. You are single right now so enjoy it by thinking with the attitude that you are going out tonight to visit, drink, eat, and hopefully make a new friend. Then, see where it goes from there. A lot of people put on their best face during dating, and you want to know that person when they get comfortable and show their true selfs to you. You are a beautiful lady, very intelligent, stable, and the right man will come along for you...just be patient and enjoy the ride until he appears.

*smooches*

Gisele Fuller

[Guest century2ride]

Adelle -

You pose a good question with lots of different responses - and you have to look at them with a grain of salt! This can be a 'very tough call' but I agree that you shouldn't advertise your past! There is that old saying 'honesty is the best policy' well you have to evaluate the situation - because sometimes it is not! Truthful honesty can be brutal!

I was seeing an ATF that was quitting the business because she met someone. She told him nothing about her past but then someone else told him about her past - she didnt lie - and it ended in a disaster for her. She was basically dammed for not telling him early on and then dammed when she did tell him. To me the guy was a jerk and she was better off. Some people can't handle the truth the way you expect them too. And then, I have met ladies that have boy friends, knew what they were doing and were OK with that. Again - it is a tough call, because you have to build some trust and hope that trust leads to a successful relationship!

I agree that I wouldn't necessary tell a lie - but it is in how you approach it! I would first get to know the guy better before saying anything - and then you dont have to go into descriptive details - or any details for that matter. It should just be a situation of accept me for who I am!

I wish you the best of luck in your future! I hate to say this - but quitting the business, establishing yourself in workplace, and moving forward - forgetting the past - and living your life how you want to imagine it. Hopefully you will find someone who can love you for who you are - a fantastic individual!

It is always tough and cant be very disappointing at times - but hang it there because I believe it will work out for you!

[Guest century2ride]

WOW - excellent advise Giselle! Very well put and very insightful!

Adelle, there really is no right answer to your question as everybody's lives are different, and what happens in them. I can tell you a different story than the other posts on here though...

I met my husband at a meet and greet while in the business. It was during the toughest time of my life, and the funny part is, we were not into each other at the initial meeting. I hired him to do some work for me, and the more we met the closer we became until one fateful night, we got together(bom chicka bow wow) and we have been together ever since.: )

It hasn't been an easy road for us, whether I am in the business or out, but we are in it for the long haul, and I believe that that is what is important. We love each other VERY much, and work hard to maintain that. No, he doesn't always like me working, or the fact some guys try to take advantage, but he is there for me when I get ticked and I am always honest with him over the business. We are in our 8 years of being together, and I am glad that that man still puts up with me.

My advice, just have fun getting out there again and dating. I see too many people get too serious about it, and they fail or get discouraged. You are single right now so enjoy it by thinking with the attitude that you are going out tonight to visit, drink, eat, and hopefully make a new friend. Then, see where it goes from there. A lot of people put on their best face during dating, and you want to know that person when they get comfortable and show their true selfs to you. You are a beautiful lady, very intelligent, stable, and the right man will come along for you...just be patient and enjoy the ride until he appears.

*smooches*

Gisele Fuller

[2Big]

Don't shit where you eat

You're gettin' the milk; no need to buy the cow.