Submissive ~ How toBecome a Better Dominant Partner?

[Guest kenboulder]

So I've been seeing a lady that is submissive for which I am very open minded, but in the past I have not seen many submissive ladies and I am looking for thoughts on what really excites a submissive lady. I understand that a big factor is trust and that being dominant does not mean being domineering.

Some activities she likes is being tied up, blind folded, told what to do, and what not to do. As far as BDSM goes, I know she is into B&D and not so much into the S&M aspect of it (beyond a little hair pulling and hard thrusting).

I would very much appreciate thoughts regarding different ways to be a better dominant partner. For dominants, what has worked well for you and what has not gone over so well. And for Submissives, what really gets you going.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this, and if you prefer to PM me and not post publicly, please send me your thoughts.

[Guest KileeONeil]

An interaction like you describe involves deep honest communication.

Honestly I find it works better in stages....

A conversation...a trip to the fetish section of a porn store...maybe even a trip to one of the sex clubs in Denver. All the experiences previously mentioned provide a dominant with the ability to actively observe & listen to the submissive & develop a concept of what really gets the sub going.

From my experience even though the situation is a bit dictatorial, the sub still establishes the parameters of the experience.

A Dom/S experience is entirely based upon the unique needs of the individuals involved...PSE/GFE are blanket understood reviewed & defined experiences...

The fetish realm is unique to those involved IMHO

[A-rod]

Two highly recommended reads:

The Control Book

and

The Loving Dominant

Both available eBooks.

They talk about the Dom/Sub relationship and the stages of giving/taking control. Very good stuff.

[Lucy Kitten]

Fetlife.com

[Guest JenniferOfDenver]

So I've been seeing a lady that is submissive for which I am very open minded, but in the past I have not seen many submissive ladies and I am looking for thoughts on what really excites a submissive lady. I understand that a big factor is trust and that being dominant does not mean being domineering.

Some activities she likes is being tied up, blind folded, told what to do, and what not to do. As far as BDSM goes, I know she is into B&D and not so much into the S&M aspect of it (beyond a little hair pulling and hard thrusting).

I would very much appreciate thoughts regarding different ways to be a better dominant partner. For dominants, what has worked well for you and what has not gone over so well. And for Submissives, what really gets you going.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this, and if you prefer to PM me and not post publicly, please send me your thoughts.

While you're learning the ropes<!> here are a few things to muse on.

The stream-of-consciousness approach is intentional, as it illustrates a few things I firmly believe in: Don't be too linear, be mentally present, and read your partner.

And be kind. Even when you're being cruel, a deep level of empathy and fondness for your partner eases the rough spots and takes them to amazing places.

Any kind of training you take which enables you to be more flexible and aware is good. There are things you may never have thought of, such as executive protection training, qi gong, and Aikido. You want to be relaxed and focused; get there and stay there, however you can.

Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/What-Shamu-Taught-About-Marriage/product-reviews/1400066581/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt/175-0147004-8987179?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Or at least grasp the basic principle: Reward good behavior, ignore bad behavior. Punishing a sub in typical fashion may prove to be counterproductive.

Last things for now: Take a CPR class, and understand that subs may become incoherent at times. They may cry, laugh inappropriately, or say stuff you can't understand. Not so different from awesome sex in general, just with more gear ;-)

[lowboy]

Two highly recommended reads:

The Control Book

and

The Loving Dominant

Both available eBooks.

They talk about the Dom/Sub relationship and the stages of giving/taking control. Very good stuff.

I'll second The Loving Dominate. I knew the author back in the old Prodigy Bulletin Board days...

[Lucy Kitten]

I'll second The Loving Dominate. I knew the author back in the old Prodigy Bulletin Board days...

John Warren is still an active member of Fetlife, and what a wealth of information he is.

@OP Maybe before you jump right in to learning how to be a better dominant, you should decide if it is dominant that you identify with. D/s generally refers to two partners that have agreed on a dynamic. I think what you might be looking for is how to be a better Top.

[RaniLane]

@aboulderguy Here are some links for you.

Qualities of a Successful Dominant [url=]http://thinkingdom.the-iron-gate.com/essays/3

http://the-iron-gate.com/

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/generalbdsm.htm#learning

[rachelsonoma]

Excellent question and the replies are rite on. What I would suggest is a scene that is pre-planned. It must be something that both of you like. Here is an example. Imagine that you caught her doing something she was not supposed to do. Like you had given her a do-not-cum order. You came home one day. You were very quiet so she did not know you were there. You walked in on her masturbating the bathtub. You got mad. You called her a little disobedient pleasure slut. You ordered her out of the bathtub. You told her to towel off and kneel. You ordered her to masturbate while you watch. Under no circumstances is she to allow herself to cum. After a while, you tell her to stop. Make it clear that she will not be allowed an orgasm. Instead, you will have an orgasm. She will give you one. Once that is done, it is time for bed. Remember, no touching yourself. See if she can sleep. I bet she can. Submissives can do a lot of things that would surprise you.

[Guest Gigi]

I really enjoyed the book "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns". They (Dom/sub authors) are knowledgeable and funny.

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

I concur that "The Loving Dominant" and fetlife are great as well.

As another said, talking and conversations of what/when/where/how is very important.

Being submissive, I found fetlife was something that really helped me. Possibly introduce it to her. It is like the facebook of the kinky world. There are groups and interests that have many topics within them.

Happy exploring to you both.