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SmileyDawg

On the Golf Course one day

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, ” It feels great but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

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One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum

of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron. I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned; she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've

been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a GolfCourse ?"

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate

their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession

to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the

husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some

food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his

wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" she says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get

some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife

one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to

the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

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After a bad stretch on the back 9, a man returns to the clubhouse and has the bartender pour him a stiff one.

He notices an attractive young lady at the end of the bar. She's giving him the eye!

He slides down and says hi. They talk. She's brilliant! A wonderful conversationalist! They order dinner.

He is amazed at her beauty. Her wit. Her intelligence. She loves golf. They have so much in common!

She's laughing at all his jokes. Listening in rapt attention to his golfing tales. She's sending all the right signals. The guy can't believe his luck!

She suggests they go home together.....but she has a confession to make.

"i'm a hooker", she says.

He replies "Don't feel bad....you just have to adjust your stance......."

Edited by hgritstoo
redundant typing
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A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with a few Japanese business associates. Having nothing to do the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki! Kawasaki!" And again, he smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for her!" he thought to himself, and went to sleep contented with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee right into the cup for a hole-in-one! Remembering his new word and wanting to impress his associates with his linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

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